Maybe you reached your skill plateau despite constant practice. Maybe the odds are against you. Maybe youâre just a terrible human being. Whatever the reason, you need to win, and you need to win badâno matter what the cost. Perhaps at the cost of my morality and integrity, Iâm here to help.
Here are five ways to screw your opponents over in games, ranging from silly, amusing ways to downright horrible tactics.
5: Trash-Talking
How to dole it out:
Letâs start with the cornerstone of all shady win-practices: trash-talking. Now, itâs easy to to dole out a long list of expletives, but thereâs an art to trash-talking, see. You need to make sense, first of all. Itâs very common to hear folk talk up a nonsensical storm.
As for what to say, the narrative you want to construct is one of superiority and intimidation. You want to do this without being too annoying or stupidâlisten to any 13 year old on Xbox Live for a 101 on what NOT to do. Unless you want to sound hilarious and have no one take you seriously, that is!
The big question is if you want to be offensive, like the folks who played Gears of War 3 with me were. This will rattle the opponent.
Most importantly, while part of the idea is to psych the competition out, you donât want to overtalk your skillâif you lose, youâll end up that much more embarrassed.
How To Deal With It:
If youâre on the other end of trash talking, Iâd advise against retaliation: usually, that sort of thing just escalates endlessly. Youâre better off trying to focus.
If trash-talking bothers you, you can usually mute the person, if not set your console to avoid that person in the future.
But if you simply canât let something go, pay attention to what the other person is saying. Chances are, itâs completely ridiculous and makes no sense. Point that out and hopefully theyâll stop.
Confidence is key for both dishing it out and standing your ground when it comes to trash-talk.
4: Get a buddy on your side
How To Dole It Out:
Teamwork always wins. Always. Get someone to coordinate tactics with you and double-team other people. The person doesnât even have to be on your team-sometimes, that even makes it better. Who cares if youâre the Boomer in Left 4 Dead. Vomit and slash at your âteammatesâ for the good of humanity if it means you anger everyone in the gameâs lobby.
My favorite type of dubious teamwork is getting a friend to come over at a predetermined location, and setting explosives on them. Iâve done this in Battlefield games, but any game with remote detonated bombs will do. Then, they run over to the enemy team, tell me when theyâre in position, and I set it off. Every game has similar troll-y things you can do to mess with the other teamâcreativity is required to figure these âstrategiesâ out.
How To Deal With It:
If youâre on the receiving end here, there are two options. One, you recruit someone to be on your side to fight fire with fire. Two, you retreat and find a match with a more even playing field.
3: Use The Game To Your Advantage
How To Dole It Out:
Sometimes, the game itself will have ways to troll other players built-in. Sometimes, like in New Super Mario Bros Wii, the point of multiplayer is the trolling and the fun that arises from it. In these cases, donât be afraid to be a dick! Thatâs why the game exists, really.
Letâs take Spelunky, for example. When playing multiplayer in Mossmouthâs roguelike, you can pick other players up. Maybe youâre sick of the leader buying all the good items for themselves. Welp, you can just throw them into some spikes to get rid of them. Their treasure is all yours now!
How To Deal With It:
If you have to deal with this sort of thing, my condolences. As I said, these are the types of game that have trolling as a feature and playing any other way feels boring by comparison. Why not indulge? Itâs there to use, after all. Donât worry, nobody can think less of you for it.
2: Induce a Choke
How To Dole It Out:
This is where things get interestingâand potentially, morally wrong. But Iâm not here to judge or endorse, just to inform.
A large part of playing games is the performance. If you canât carry out the motions, then youâre done. The thing is, itâs insanely easy to get someone to choke. Thereâs a whole science to it, even.
Distraction is one of the key methods, and there are multiple ways to do it. Have you ever heard any of the âyou are now aware of ___â sayings? Like, being aware of your breathing, your blinking, that sort of thing? You can go a step further and be specific.
Ask someone the intricacies of an action or behavior they perform regularlyâlike a reload or a melee. Chances are, they wonât be able to stop thinking about it and go into âparalysis through analysis.â
Or, theyâll get so concerned with directing an automatic action, itâll become impossible not to screw it up. Studies show that asking someone to actively monitor their actions while playing hinders performance.
Choking can also be induced by pointing out insecurities that have roots in social misconception. You may hear stereotypes around race and gender and know for a fact that theyâre not true, but thinking about them at all can have a serious effect on your performance. If you want to be a particularly awful person, this is the sort of thing you can bring up. Studies have also shown that even the slightest mention of âyour motherâ can have surprisingly successful results. Use with caution.
How To Deal With It:
The best thing you can do to avoid a mental psych-out is to clear your mind and focus on getting in the âzone.â The more meditative and zen-like you can be, the better. Counting backwards can be good for this.
1: Cheat
How To Dole It Out:
Finally, we get to the mother of all shady tactics: cheating. Thereâs multiple ways to cheat. If youâre playing locally, you can screenwatch or physically mess with the person youâre playing with. Setting your game or avatar to have handicaps for just you can help, too.
Playing online, itâs a bit more difficult to successfully cheat: itâs not as if the developers want you to ruin other peopleâs experiences. Still, there are a variety of tools if not services for purchase that can allow you to do all sorts of game-breaking hacks.
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How To Deal With It:
If you have a cheater in your match, just leave. Really. Itâs not worth playing a match that is completely unfair and not fun. Make sure to use whatever options are available to you to report the offender, and try to go into servers that specifically look out for and protect against this sort of thing.
Hopefully, you donât go out there and completely ruin the experience for everyoneâbut sometimes, you just got to win, right? You know what they say. Donât hate the player, hate the game.
