Hello, you hideous and shimmering sexbeasts, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating advice column to guide you through the Metroidvania of love.
This week, itâs all about the end of relationships. Break ups and divorce arenât the end; theyâre the beginning of a new chapter in your life. But how do you handle the aftermath of an ugly break up? What about when you just canât let go of an ex? What about when your ex just wonât let you go?
Itâs time to collect your new equipment and skills and go open doors in those areas you could never get through. Letâs do this.
Hey Doc,
So first, a little backstory: About two months ago, I asked out and briefly dated a friend of mine. We met initially at her workplace, my regular cafe, about a year ago while I was still in a relationship. I didnât have any romantic feelings for her, but we had great banter and shared everything in common. Like everything. It was very weird but exhilarating for us. Fast forward past a breakup and several months of emotional recovery, and it occurred to me one day while we were talking about Japanese-Heideggerian Zen philosophy at the cafe counter Iâd caught feelings for my friend/barista. And her constant, pointed interest in spending inordinate amounts of time while she was on the clock seemed like some pretty clear signals.
I asked her out pretty soon after that, and things seemed to start off great. Good conversations, good chemistry, etc. We even had the âwhat are you looking for?â conversation, and we both stated we were looking for a serious partner. Really, it was looking good. But about a month in she started to cancel plans on me, mainly due to travel, and then our dates went from hikes and drinks to âdates plus this one friend of hers.â Then she revealed that sheâd been seeing other people, which is fine; we werenât exclusive nor had we talked about being exclusive. Except, sheâd asked me earlier point blank whether I was seeing other people (I wasnât), and Iâd returned the question (she wasnât). And apparently we both liked it that way. We were, and I quote, âOld fashioned like that.â Suddenly, though, the narrative was that sheâd never said that. And then, even more suddenly, it was that she HAD said that, but had changed her mind when her friends encouraged her to try dating around. The coup de grace was when I texted her on her birthday andâŠradio silence.
Fine, I thought, I get the message. Not long after that, I told her that I wasnât interested in seeing her anymore, since I generally donât like to date someone who blows me off, lies to me and gaslights me (I didnât tell her that second part, though). This surprised and hurt her, which surprised and hurt me, but thatâs life I guess.
OK, backstory over.
Since then, weâve obviously still run into each other a lot. I need my coffee, after all, and sheâs the one who makes it. But this is where it gets confusing. Every couple weeks, almost like clockwork, she sends me a text. âSorry I made you feel badâ was the first. âHave you seen Midsommar!?â was the next. âHow should I act around you?â unexpectedly arrived one morning. âThanks for talking to meâ (after a brief, cordial conversation weâd had earlier that day) was last week. I always responded to these in a brief, neutral tone: âOk, thanks.â âThat directorâs not really my speed.â âCordial is always welcome.â âOf course, no problem.â And finally, two nights ago, she liked me on Tinder. Huh? What is going on here? I am incredibly confused.
A part of me wants her to leave me alone after all the not so pleasant shenanigans she pulled, but another part of me maybe wants to try pursuing this again since nothing about her that made me like her in the first place has changed. But first and foremost, I want to know what her motives are with these bimonthly texts. Itâs not like Iâve been inviting her conversation; the most I say to her in person, with one exception, is a cordial good morning, thank you and goodbye when I grab my morning coffee. I could think the worst of her and assume she just wants to be the object of someoneâs affection, to be chased by me again. Or sheâs still interested, either in friendship or more, and this is her awkwardly trying to bridge the gap between us. The latter might be wishful thinkingâŠ
tl;dr: Guy meets gal. Gal and guy like each other. Gal blows off and gaslights guy. Guy gets out. Gal keeps texting guy (and then likes him on a dating app). Guy gets confused. Guy is still confused. What gives?
I would love your feedback, since all of your advice columns have really resonated with me. I think I know the answer to this situation, but here I am!
Sincerely,
Once Bitten Twice Shy
Your exâs behavior is weird, OBTS. The general progression of your relationship sounds less like the behavior of someone you were dating and more âtrying to get this guy to realize that Iâm not into him.â Suddenly changing one-on-one hangouts to âhey, itâs gonna be a group thing?â Thatâs usually something that happens with somebody whoâs trying to give somebody the wave-off without having to have a potentially fraught âNo really, I donât like you like thatâ conversation.
Which makes little sense if you two were having preliminary âwhere is this relationship going?â conversations; those tend to happen when youâre not quite ready for an exclusive commitment, but you could definitely see the relationship heading that way.
There are two likely possibilities here. The first is that thereâs something that you missed or that thereâs some detail that would explain where her headâs at.
The other is that itâs entirely possible that your ex doesnât know what she wants. Her behaviorâboth while you were dating and afterwardsâmakes her sound like someone who may well have meant what she said when she said it, but will change her mind at the drop of a hat. At that point her new decision gets retconned into how itâs always been because hey, what else could it have been
(Also, suddenly deciding âGuess I should go date other people after allâ just because her friends suggested it? This is supposed to make it more reasonable?)
So while she may have been ok with slow-walking you out of the relationship, she may have decided that no, she actually liked having you around in her life. And thus, these regularly scheduled texts.
It does seem like sheâs someone who is conflict- and confrontation-averse; the bi-weekly texts sound a lot like someone whoâs pinging a connection to see if itâs still active. The fact that itâs bi-weekly sounds like sheâs doing the thing where she tries to stay in contact without either overwhelming you or seeming too needy.
(Women reading this may recognize it as something that guys have pulled on them.)
What does this mean? Well, this may be her way of trying to reopen lines of communication with you. Alternately, this could be her trying to gauge whether or not youâre still upset with her; after all, as long as youâre responding, you canât be that mad, can you?
I suspect that the fact that you keep going back for coffee confuses things. The fact that you two split doesnât mean that you have to avoid her at all costs, but if youâre going to keep showing up where you know sheâs gonna be, it certainly can make it seem like youâre still interested in the possibility of picking things up again. I mean, Iâm sure sheâs a great barista and all, but I seriously doubt this is the only place where you can get your coffee in the morning.
But at the end of the day, if you want to know what sheâs thinking, then Iâm not the person to ask. She is. If you want to get an idea of whatâs going on, then youâre gonna have to use your words and get it from her.
However, thatâs not a conversation to have at work, yours or hers. So the next time she texts, use that as an opportunity to ask. âHey, when you started ghosting me and not returning my texts, I took it as a sign you werenât interested. But now youâre messaging me and matching with me on Tinder, so Iâm getting confused. Whatâs going on here?â
But itâs going to be up to you to decide what to do with whatever answer she gives you.
However, I strongly suggest that you keep any future relationship to friendship, if that. Frankly, while you may still dig her, I donât think itâs worth your time to pursue a romantic relationship with her again. It doesnât sound to me like sheâs changed significantly in the time since you two dated, so trying to get back together will just be a rerun of your first go-round. The only difference will be that youâll see the train wreck coming this time, and you still wonât be able to avoid it.
(As a general rule of thumb: if there hasnât been a discussion about how the relationship ended and why, with everyone acknowledging their part in it, then going back for more is just an exercise in futility.)
Meanwhile, consider finding a new place to get coffee, or brewing it at home before you leave for work.
Good luck.
Hey Doc,
Long time reader, and I really appreciate all your advice. It has always given me a different perspective in my own love life, and has helped me grow as a person in this aspect of my life. This is the first time I am really reaching out to anyone about something that I just canât shake. So, a little backstory, I am mid 30s, and going through a tough time. Divorce is completely looming, separation has happened and lawyers are all being called at this point. I am heartbroken, but not just because my marriage is ending, but because I have to put my son through what I went through when I was a kid. I never wanted to see my parents fight, and I did the exact same thing. I am struggling to cope with being alone, since I have never really had any time where I was alone. I know I have a lot to work on, including most likely being codependent. When you leave a 20 year relationship, it is tough. I know I will get through it, but it is exposing all of my flaws and bad habits I have created and have to break.
I recently met someone else. She lives in another state, and this has only been long distance. I am able to go see her, as I travel to her city for work often, and, well, planes are available whenever I really want to go somewhere. The thing is, we bonded very quickly over a lot of things. We generally enjoy the same things, we are on the same page on just about everything. We talked and texted nonstop for the first couple of weeks, which has tapered off a bit now that we have settled into a pattern, and it has been amazing to have a positive light in my world of utter depression right now. She seems interested in me romantically, and I have communicated that I am interested in her as well.
We also discussed our emotional availability. I know I canât be emotionally available, and she has said the same. We can only be friends right now. It is an amazing friendship, and I want to preserve it because she is such an amazing person, I would lose a very positive person in my life without her in it. I have kept up my end of the bargain, and I have just kept friends, but I am struggling, and this is where I would like your advice.
How do I get her out of my mind? How do I keep from pushing for a relationship? How do I just stay friends with her? I know that if I push this, especially now, when I am broken and in this state, that everything will end badly. I have to work on me, and I donât want to impose anything on her that will make her choose. I really want to just be friends right now, get to really know her and have that foundation, and when I feel like I can stand on my own two feet, I will revisit my feelings for her. I know this is a little different from the other advice questions you get, but I really could use some help figuring out how to control my own emotions now that the whole glass house has exploded.
Sincerely,
Just Friends
So if youâve been reading my column for a while, then youâll have seen the times when Iâve talked about avoiding The Friend Zone*.
*There is no Friend Zone. There are just people who donât want to date or have sex with you.
The key to avoiding ending up in The Friend Zone is that you make your intentions known and you act like a potential lover, not a friend. When someone attempts to pull the Platonic Friend Backdoor Gambit, their behavior sets the expectation that they just want to be friends, not that theyâre hoping to get a relationship upgrade during a moment of weakness on the other personâs part.
The key to staying friends with someone youâre attracted tomeans doing the opposite; you want to treat her as a friend, not somebody that youâre attracted to. That means setting some boundaries for yourself; itâs not fair for the two of you to talk about how much you want to date when you know that you canât right now. Giving indications about how you would totally date or bang someone but whooooops, canât because REASONS is cruel to do to somebody that you know is into you. It just leaves them on the hook when it would be better for them to be free to pursue relationships that DO have a chance. Thatâs why you have to cut out the flirting and romance talk; it just sets a frame to the relationship that only leaves people upset and frustrated.
But that no-romance talk applies to you too. The more you go on about how much you wish you could be with herâeven just to yourselfâthe more you reinforce your feelings for her. Instead, you need to just let the feelings pass over you, around you and past you without engaging with them. You can note them and name themââYup, thereâs my inconvenient crush on my friendââand just let them go. Without reinforcement, theyâll start to fade on their own over time.
You may also have to dial back the intimacy and intensity of your conversations with her, or at least spread them out amongst other friends. Part of why straight cis men so often develop feelings for their female friends is beacuse of how rarely we have emotionally intimate friendships with others, particularly other men. Weâre taught that emotional intimacy is a precursor to sexual intimacy, and so we convert those intense, emotionally fulfilling relationships to romance because weâre only allowed to have those relationships with people we might sleep with. So it becomes incredibly easy to decide weâve caught feels instead of recognizing what a close friendship feels like.
But you canât be friends with her in hopes that this just puts the two of you on pause until youâre ready to date. If you arenât in a position to date right nowâand you would know bestâthen being her friend isnât how you keep her around until you have your life together again. Youâre going to have to be cool with the fact that she wonât be waiting around for you. She will likely start dating other people. If thatâs the case, then you canât get passive-aggressive about it or make comments about the guys sheâs dating. Youâll have to learn to be happy for and appreciate her happiness, even as youâre working on discovering your own.
None of this means that thereâs no chance for you further down the road. But you canât go into this thinking that friendship is the holding pattern until youâre ready to date again. If sheâs right for you now, sheâll still be right for you in the months or even years down the line when youâve worked through everything and youâre ready to get back in the game.
But thatâs for the future. For now: just focus on yourself. Youâve been going through a catastrophic life change. You need to learn who this new you is and get ready to start this new chapter in your life. Love will be there for you when youâre ready.
Good luck.
Hi Doc,
Plenty of relationships sour due to bad circumstances. Enough to say people donât stay happy with their ex as a person. I (26f) fear itâs in the way of me getting over mine (25m) because it has such intensity. The situation is confounding because itâs so unexpected of my laid-back live-and-let-live approach to damn near everyone. Iâll take it from the top.
We were together for the best part of 4 years. Started off both as students at far flung colleges. The first 2.5 years were LDR; I took on most of the financial and logistical burden of this after I graduated and found employment. No recalibration occurred when he graduated into employment later.
Then I moved away from my family and a satisfying job to be with him. I tried postgrad, it fell through and his parents, who offered me hospitality for a stint while I saved money to move out with their son, turfed me out after inventing some agreement about me staying in study that never happened. As it turns out, they didnât like me all that much anyway so I was baffled as to why theyâd offer me a room in their house.
My ex flaked on moving out with me by ghosting my messages to him about rental listings and didnât really stick up to his parents. They called him an ingrate for proposing moving out at 24 years old, and he kinda just took it and stayed under their roof. Iâd call their behavior manipulative and much too regularly exercised on their child but what do I know.
I grew tired of the inequality. I was in debt and crying my way through work, wondering why my bf was acting distant and noncommittal. When I told him as much and left, he rattled off excuses to me that pretty much confirmed he had no understanding of the mental and financial strain I was under (not enough dates, I wasnât getting along with his parents, I wasnât fun, moving out was âscaryâ despite me doing it alone etc).
I got a FWB a month later to distract me from the loss. Sounds heartless but I was willing to try anything. My ex claimed we were on a break and slut shamed me on social media (this was roundly debunked by everyone except his parents and swiftly deleted). He harassed me into a second chance, damn my caring ass for listening to him instead of cutting him out.
Because in his version of reality I cheated, he was paranoid as hell. Heâd have issues with me mentioning menâdifficult as I work in ITâand if I was out heâd ask for selfies or demand that I shoehorn him into whatever conversation Iâm having. I made the mistake of being secretive to dodge the ridiculousness, which caused arguments, but I got better at communicating over time. After 6 months of seeming progress, he ghosted me for 3 days while he was out partying and dumped me with no explanation when he finally answered his phone. He was conveniently dating someone else 4 days later after blocking me and our mutual friends on social media just before he left, almost as if to cover his tracks.
I was in a bad place and minutes from killing myself on what would have been our 4th anniversary. After a good samaritan had a smoke with me and sent me home I was forced into some sort of Sithâs epiphany where hate would motivate me because love clearly failed. It worked pretty well through the really painful months.
7 months on Iâm in a happy relationship now and earning twice what my ex does after making strides at work. His formerly goody-two-shoes ass takes class Aâs multiple times a week and his gf broke up with him recently. No matter how much vindication, how much âbetter at lifeâ I do than him, I hate him so much and anything that brings him joy; itâs on my mind every day! Unfortunately, the Empire doesnât exist and Iâm not a supervillain so having a nemesis does me more harm than good. I am segregated from my ex bar the odd word from the grapevine and eye contact in public once or twice. I donât âfuel the fireâ in any palpable ways like stalking his social media or friends. Iâm by all means dealing with it quite responsibly. What else can I do to help myself, it feels like an oddly long time for this to be affecting me so strongly still?
Peace and love,
Change The Record
Hereâs my question for you, CTR: what, exactly, does this hate do for you? What benefits are you getting from holding on to this?
I ask because anger is something that has to be maintained; it just takes too much from us in the long run and it tends to burn out on its own. Unless, of course, you go out of your way to feed it.
Itâs understandable why you might want to feed that fire for a while. Anger and spite can be great motivating forces at first, but only for so long. Past a certain point, anger becomes destructive and malignant. Anger needs to be sustained, and it will almost always require more and more to keep that going. The same things you use to fuel the anger at first will no longer feed the fire as well or as efficiently. As a result, either you go looking for other reasons to be angry at them, or turn that anger on other folks who often have nothing to do with the source of your anger in the first place. This is how you can go from âmy ex was a shitty boyfriend and my relationship with him put me in a very bad placeâ to âLook at that asshole, breathing air like heâs got a right to it. How dare he continue to exist and eat crackers like that? And fuck his girlfriend too, keeping him from being miserable like he should be.â
So what does being angry at him get you? You had a shitty experience with him and found yourself on a profound downward spiral because of your relationship, but all thatâs over. Heâs no longer part of your life, even tangentially. Youâve pulled out of the bad place you found yourself in, and you havenât just bounced back but made significant strides towards an awesome new life. Seems to me like that initial anger has served its purpose and now all itâs doing is festering and rotting inside you.
And letâs be honest: you are fueling the fire. You may not be stalking his social media, but you clearly have been keeping tabs enough to know what misadventures heâs been up to. The idea that things may make him happy keeps you up at night. That isnât healthy for you and honestly, itâs just letting the ghosts of your past steal your happiness from the now.
None of this is to say that he didnât do things that warranted your being mad at him; he was clearly an asshole. But carrying on that much of a grudge this far down the line? Thatâs bordering on âstaying angry for the sake of staying angry,â especially since heâs not in your life anymore. Thatâs never going to be great for you or your mental and emotional health.
There are two things that I would suggest. The first is to forgive. If you can bring yourself to forgive him for his flagrant assholery then cool, do that. But you need to forgive yourself tooâfor choosing to date him, for choosing to go back, for the cheating on him. Forgiving yourself may be part of what empowers you to let go of this and move forward.
The other thing is simple: consign him to the memory hole. You two are long broken up and havenât lived together in months, but heâs still living rent free in your head. You need to realize that your anger does nothing. It doesnât affect him in the slightest, nor does it bring you any benefit. All it does is burn, and itâll burn you from the inside out just as easily.
If he was as bad as all that, then he doesnât deserve your anger, he deserves your indifference. You may be broken up, but heâs clearly still incredibly important to your life. The worst thing you can do to him isnât to psychically spit venom at him, itâs to never think of him at all
So let that anger go; it is no longer worth spending any of your precious mental bandwidth thinking about him, nor using any of your cells to store the memory of him. Allow the fires of your fury to bank down to coals and to finally burn out before tossing out the ashes of every memory you made with him with the garbage. Let him be unimportant and insignificant, a footnote in your history. Heâs simply not worth the effort it takes to remember him, let alone be angry at him.
With the fires of your past mistakes finally gone, youâll have the chance to see the possibilities of a greater future.
Good luck.
Did you go through a difficult break up? Did you find love after your divorce? Share your story in the comments below and weâll be back with more of your questions in two weeks.
Ask Dr. NerdLove is Kotakuâs bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris OâMalley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question youâd like answered? Write [email protected] and put âKotakuâ in the subject line.
Harris OâMalley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove YouTube channel. His new dating guide New Game+: The Geekâs Guide to Love, Sex and Dating is out now from Amazon, iTunes and everywhere fine books are sold. He is also a regular guest at One Of Us
He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove
