Hello, all you little orgasm dermestid beetles, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating advice column to help you take your relationship out of early access.
This week, weâre talking about the moments in a personâs life that are the most incandescent, as we watch a good relationship go bad. How can you tell the difference between being trapped in an abusive relationship or being the abuser yourself? How do you break the cycle when you canât seem to stop going back to your intensely toxic ex? What about when you find that you keep fantasizing about the one who broke your heart?
Itâs time to squash some bugs and let your love life go gold.
Letâs do this.
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
Iâve been married for almost 20 years, and weâve had our good and bad moments, but in the last 5-8 years things have been really bad. Right now itâs hard to see any good in our relationship, and Iâm currently feeling very confused and lonely.
I recently read two of your posts. One on your blog about calling women âcrazyâ and another in your Kotaku âAsk Dr. NerdLoveâ column [the second letter, from âTired and Afraid,â about leaving an abusive relationship].
Iâm feeling torn between these two situations. My wife has gone through a couple of bouts of serious depression, and the biggest source of our current struggles is that I wasnât able to save her from her depression. I did try many different ways to support her during this period, but also made plenty of mistakes. Today I feel like she still has some sort of underlying issues that she wonât get addressed, but I worry that I might be internally labeling my wife crazy by feeling this way, and, because of that label, inadvertently treating her in a way that is making her feel crazy. However, I also feel like her actions could be described as abusive including (but not limited to) the silent treatment (used for punishment, according to her, and lasting for days or weeks), shouting, throwing things, threatening to leave, and other emotionally manipulative actions.
Where is that borderline between labeling your significant other as âcrazyâ and being actually emotionally abusive?
As relationships enter bad times there are always hurt feelings on both sides, and both people feel hurt, lonely, and afraid, and they also behave in ways they might regret later. Additionally, if actual mood disorders are involved, this can be even harder, and itâs difficult to know how to support someone when you know that what they are feeling is linked to the disorder and may be a cry for help.
Any thoughts on how to see through this? A 20+ year relationship is a hard thing to consider leaving, especially when you still have strong feelings for that person.
Thanks,
Confused and Lonely
I can pinpoint your first issue before you even get to your letter, CaL: âI wasnât able to save her from her depression.â
Blaming yourself for not being able to cure her depression is like blaming yourself for the fact that the Spurs almost always choke in the playoffs. Itâs something you have absolutely no control over and blaming yourself for it just leaves you carrying guilt for something thatâs not your fault.
Hereâs a truth: You canât love someone out of depression. You canât cheer them out of it, you canât carry them out of it and you canât force them out of it. All you can do is support them as best you canâŠ
Up to a point. And that point is when their issues are starting to hurt you
Because hereâs another truth: Having a mental illness isnât an excuse for shitty behavior. And if sheâs blaming you for not âsavingâ her? Then holy shit thatâs bad.
Depression is a beast. It fucks with your head in the most insidious of ways because it lies to you in your own voice and hits you in all of your most vulnerable spots. It sucks your life away and makes you feel guilty for not having more to give. It may even put you in a headspace where you feel like you need to push people away because you donât âdeserveâ to have people who love you in your life.
But the fact that someoneâs hurting doesnât excuse them from hurting others.
And this is where labels are important, and itâs vitally important to get it right. You are correct that referring to your wife as being crazy isnât helpful and can be stigmatizing. However, your wifeâs behavior isnât crazy, itâs abusive, and thatâs a critical difference.
The issue with calling women crazy is that youâre telling women that their realâand often well-deservedâfeelings or emotions are irrational and wrong and they shouldnât trust them. By labelling them as irrational or crazy, youâre saying that thereâs no reason or logic to them and that the underlying causes arenât real.
But what your wife is doing isnât illogical or irrational, itâs cruel. Itâs not as though her depression or any other underlying mood disorders have taken control of her body and now sheâs acting without conscious control; sheâs choosing to act like this. Her reasons for doing so may be twisted or distorted because of her depression, but sheâs still making the choice to act out this way.
Throwing things, shouting, holding your relationship hostage by threatening to leave? Those arenât hurt feelings or the inevitable fights that come in a long-term relationship. Those are classic signs of abuse, and itâs unacceptable. Itâs unacceptable from someone whoâs mentally healthy, and itâs just as unacceptable from someone whoâs suffering from depression, borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder or any other mental health or mood disorder.
And frankly you donât deserve any of it.
Your wife needs help; it sounds pretty clear that she still has issues that are lingering and making her miserable⊠but she is taking her misery out on you. And while itâs admirable to worry about her and want to help her, you canât help her if you drown yourself in the process. Thereâs a reason why we tell people to put on their oxygen masks first before assisting others.
Your wife needs to see a therapist. You canât force her to see one, and it doesnât do you or your mental health any good to let her use you as her emotional punching bag. So while I donât know if itâs necessarily time to divorce, I do think a separation is a good idea. You can make her seeing a therapistâand possibly coupleâs therapy togetherâa condition of your coming back. But if she wonât go, doesnât improve or doesnât end the threats and abusive behavior? Then the best option for you is to use that coupleâs therapist as a way of negotiating the end of your relationship.
Itâs never a pleasant option, and Iâm so sorry that youâre in this position. But unless she makes serious changes to the way she treats youâserious, lasting changes, not just a honeymoon period before starting the abusive patterns againâthen you need to be willing to put yourself first and get the hell out of the firing line.
Good luck.
Greetings Doc,
I am writing because I had a nearly 3 year relationship end a few months ago. Preface: My now ex-gf has a 7 year old son, and a severe history of substance abuse. She smoked a lot of weed and drank in high school. Then did a lot of cocaine in college on top of the weed and alcohol. Then quit the cocaine and stuck to weed and booze after college. She met me maybe 10 years after she quit cocaine. Soon after she met me, she quit drinking altogether and stuck to weed.
She was also a habitual liar. I would let the lies kind of slide off of me. Iâve had experience with people that lie a lot, and I know enough that when liars are confronted with the truth, they will do everything they can to avoid hearing that truth.
She was also a hypocrite and using me for money (as I now realize).
I now know I was the victim of severe emotional abuse. I could never understand what she was doing no matter how much I tried to wrap my head around things. I have never been so confused in my life. I was constantly trying to identify her behavior. One day I came across the term âgaslighting.â Of course it was on CNN being used by some talking head to describe Trumpâs behavior. My eyes widened and I thought: âTHATâS IT! THAT IS WHAT SHE WAS DOING!â
I suppose I should give a few examples.
We met at work. She would go to pieces if a female coworker was within 5 ft of me. I would logically and practically explain that it was a work conversation, that I loved her and she had nothing to worry about. She would come to my desk raising her voice and swearing at me for all to hear, then have the nerve to blame me when people asked her if we were dating. She accused me of telling people etc., and Iâd have to say âwell, you were shouting about us at my desk in front of 30 people.â But I again, I said itâs ok, nothing to worry about, I love her, common sense and cooler heads would prevail. Oh, I should note, throughout our relationship, she broke up with me approximately 50 times (accurate number). Iâd be sad and upset that she was doing these things, sheâd accuse me of being suicidal. Sheâd say I smelled of alcohol at work (lens wipes for my glasses). Of course, sometime later, it became apparent that she was suicidal and an alcoholic. This became a thing. Every wild accusation she made against me would prove to pertain to her. One day, she asked me if I was going on Craigslist and having sex with random women. I said: âWhat? Of course not, Iâve never even been on CraigslistâŠâ She said the reason for her thinking I was doing that, was because sheâd read an article. Anyhow, she was constantly accusing me of cheating on her for no reason at all.
About 6 months ago, we broke up, finally. Despite how badly she treated me, I still tried to get her back to no avail. About two weeks later, she called me up, asked me to go to go to dinner with her and her son. I love the boy, he and I were very close. I replied and said I donât know if thatâs a good idea. I had bought him a book a week or so prior for his birthday, because I was helping him with his reading and writing. I was going to mail it. So after some thought I agree to go. I pull into the apartment complex and sit there, thinking, not going in. I wasnât sure what to expect. Finally I say to hell with it, and go over to the pool where they were hanging out. We hung out, went to dinner, it was a lovely day. The next day, I get off work and fall asleep. Around 7 pm I woke up and saw a text from her just saying âhi.â I replied and apologized for missing the text etc. She sent me a barrage of texts saying she never wanted to see me again, I didnât hold her hand the right way, she said goodbye forever etc. I was floored. For the entire day I was on cloud 9 thinking weâd finally gotten on the right path. I was wrong. Similar scenarios took place many times over the past 6 months. Iâd try and get her back and fail. A few weeks later sheâd call me up and weâd be fine for a day, then sheâd invent something the next day and say she never wants to see me again etc.
This pattern of behavior really hurt me. As I said above, Iâve never been so confused in my life. This woman and her son were my family. She was my queen, and he was a prince. I took care of them in every way imaginable.
Back to the bit about how every wild accusation she ever made against inevitably proved to pertain to her.
So the tricky the about breaking up with a single mother is you canât really stay friends. The boyâs father was already well out of the picture for good. She would say she wanted to be friends, and Iâd say itâs not fair to the boy, I donât want to confuse him. If she meets someone, I have to go. If I meet someone, I have to go. Itâs best to have a clean break. I would think Iâm done with the relationship, then Iâd get a call from her 7 year old son asking me to come by, and I didnât resist that. She would use her son to bring me back, then a day later guy me with some wild accusation. One day, I sent her a text saying we cannot be friends, we cannot do this. Itâs not fair to her son etc. I immediately got a call from her saying she needed to see me. So like a good sucker, I went. We had another nice day. She explained to me she was broke, and she needed money, that her $400 a month car payment was killing her (later she would let slip that her car payment was actually $316, not $400âŠ). I venmoâd her money, she gave me a kiss and a hug and said we were going to be ok, that she loved me etc.
Side note: Throughout our relationship, she was constantly having lunch dates with other men at the great job I got her; I ignored that. Of course if I had like 15 venmo transactions with women, sheâd have lost her mind.
So I woke up in the morning and checked my venmo, and see a guy put a heart on a transaction she had with a friend at 1 am. Now Iâm not big on social media, I donât have a mind for it. But I went down the rabbit hole and searched the guy on facebook. Lo and behind, the first thing I see is a picture of this big cracked rock on the hiking trail she and I would frequent. I open that post and was calling her âhis girlfriend.â I saw this in 45 seconds. I called her a few times, texted, no response. I stopped by the house after work, the door was locked, her car was there. I walked back to my car and the door opens, and lo and behold there he was. She was behind him, and saw me drive away.
My concern is thus: I canât say no to her. Despite how emotionally disturbed, irrational and irresponsible I know her to be. If she calls I will not say no. If she calls, Iâm worried Iâll fall for it and go through the same cycle.
I am in tremendous emotional pain. Iâm in a very dark place. Everyone says Iâm better off, and I know Iâm better off without these troubles. But I feel responsible for them. I want to be there for them. But I canât seem to find a way to take care of myself.
If she calls (and she probably will) what should I say? How do I reason with an unreasonable person?
Sincerely,
Know Nothinâ
Look man, Iâm gonna be honest: Iâm not entirely sure why you stuck with her when you realized she was a habitual and compulsive liar. But I also know how hard it is to leave an abusive relationship, and why it can be tempting to go back. While most abusers are a little less⊠volatile⊠about it, what sheâs doing is known as âintermittent reinforcement.â What this means is that when you perform certain actions, youâre rewarded, but youâre never entirely sure when youâll be rewarded. You see her, she treats you like a lover again and then the very next time you see or contact her, youâre the worst person in the world. Sometimes youâll get the reward and things will be amazing, but most of the time, you wonât. This means that the times you do get rewarded feel amazing, so you try to stick around in hopes of getting rewarded again or that the rewards will come more often.
But they wonât.
This is the same process that slot machines and lootboxes use to keep you throwing good money after bad. The rare payouts never actually make up for the money you toss at them in hopes of getting a bigger jackpot. Your ex isnât ever going to give you anything that could possibly make up for all the misery sheâs put you through.
You know what you need to do, KN. You just donât want to do it.
You need to execute the Nuclear Option and cut all ties. That means blocking her on literally every means she has of contacting you. Not muting her, not unfollowing or unfriending her, blocking her. That means blocking her on social media, blocking her number so she canât call or text you, setting filters so her emails go straight to your trash and deleting her out of your contacts. And while youâre at it, tell everyoneâyour friends, your family, everyone who has access to youâthat theyâre not to pass messages on to her or tell her anything about you, what youâre up to, or where youâre hanging out. Shit, start preventing people from tagging you on Facebook or Instagram. As far as she is concerned, you donât exist, and as far as youâre concerned, thereâs going to be a very fuck-off large firewall between you and her.
Yeah, this can feel a little extreme, but youâve said it yourself: You feel like youâre having to make a wisdom save with disadvantage every time you hear from her. So youâre going to bolster your willpower by making it that much harder for you to get in contact with her or for her to get in contact with you. Every extra step that you put between being able to reach her or for her to reach you makes it that much easier to resist her. And the more time you spend not in contact with her, the easier it is for you to remember that oh hey, sheâs a lying hosebag whose idea of fun seems to be kicking your soul in the balls.
But thatâs not the only step. You need to get the fuck into therapy. That deep dark emotional place youâre in right now? Thatâs the result of the scars youâre carrying because youâve been abused by her. This was a deeply toxic, abusive relationship, and thatâs going to take work to heal. This is the sort of shit that you donât want to try to fix on your own; you want to talk to a professional, and preferably someone who specializes in helping survivors of abusive relationships. Theyâll be able to help you work on understanding what happened, why itâs so hard for you to let go and why she was able to sink her hooks so deeply into you. And, just as importantly, theyâll help you learn how to heal those wounds, erase those scars and develop the skills you need to never go back to her again.
But there is no half-assing this, man. You want her out of your life, you have to give it the whole ass and excise her like the metaphorical cancer that she is. Carve out that part of your life and toss it into the fire where it belongs. And when the pain is less and youâre healing? Give her the worst thing you can give: your disdain and your apathy. Donât waste another brain-cycle on her again. Sheâs in your past, and itâs time to leave your past behind, where it belongs.
Youâve got this, KN. Youâll be ok. I promise.
All will be well.
Hello,
So I saw your column about being caught up/cheating with an ex and I need to air my situation haha.
So my ex broke up with me, broke my heart etc, whatever. But then for a year after she strung me along, using my love for her as a confidence boost when she needed compliments etc. The whole time she telling me about all the guys she was fucking, knowing I literally loved her to bits, worshipped the ground she walked on and she was messaging me from other guysâ beds at 1am telling me theyâre both naked etc etc. Anyway.
It took a whole year to get over her, one of the hardest things Iâve ever been through, and now Iâm in a happy relationship. I love my partner, live with her, but my ex pops into my head every now and then. Itâs thoughts from just how cute I found her or her laugh or how good the sex wasâit could be anything. Iâm curious if you think this is normalâyou know, just reliving memoriesâor if thereâs anything in that?
Also just to confirm Iâve never cheated on any of my partners and havenât ever considered it, but the thoughts of having sex with my ex whilst Iâm in a relationship worry me.
Dream Lover
First of all, DL, fantasizing about someone else while youâre in a relationship is perfectly normal. It doesnât mean youâre hung up on somebody, that youâre not actually in love with your partner, that youâre about to cheat or anything else. It just means youâre a human with a sex drive.
Humans are novelty-seeking creatures, and we have an innate love of variety. Fantasizing about other people is just a way of fulfilling that desire without actually hurtingâor even involvingâanyone else. Itâs both meaningless and harmless, a way of blowing off steam.
The fact that you still think about your exâeven fantasize about herâwhen sheâs the evil Shitbird of Fuck Mountain that broke your heart? Also perfectly normal.
First of all, I want you to reread the bit I told Know Nothinâ about intermittent reinforcement. That applies to you too and why your ex can still draw you in, even when you know her idea of fun was stomping all over your sanity and soul.
But just as important is this: The brain is a really goddamn weird bundle of tapioca that does things that make no fucking sense, like actively editing our memories so that we gloss over the negative sides of things and polish up the positive. Positive memories like how cute your evil fucking ex was. Nostalgia, especially nostalgia for a relationship, is a hell of a drug, and itâs shockingly easy to overlook just how bad things got, especially when those early good times were really goddamn good.
So yeah, itâs totally normal and understandable that youâre thinking about her at seemingly random times. Just donât mistake it for anything more than random neurons firing at occasionally inopportune moments.
And one more thing: You know how I just said our brains edit our memories? You can do that consciously. You can choose to not associate those positive feelings with your ex; itâs a case of being mindful and aware of those moments when she pops into your head. When you think of her, note it and name it: âoh right, this is my memory of the way wozername smiled. Too bad that smile hid the venom-sacs.â âYeah the sex was good, but man did she like to use it as a weapon against me.â âSure she was beautiful, but a lot of venomous reptiles are.â
Consciously reminding yourself that she may have been attractive but she was a manipulative asshat helps build the associations that keep you from looking back and thinking âyâknow, maybe it wasnât that badâŠâ and make you feel less conflicted when you do think of her.
But trust me: Over time, youâll stop thinking about her at all⊠and thatâs all she deserves.
Good luck.
Did you escape a toxic relationship? Have you had a partner with a mood disorder? Share your story in the comments below and weâll be back with more of your questions in two weeks.
Ask Dr. NerdLove is Kotakuâs bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris OâMalley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question youâd like answered? Write [email protected] and put âKotakuâ in the subject line.
Harris OâMalley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove YouTube channel. His new dating guide New Game+: The Geekâs Guide to Love, Sex and Dating is out now from Amazon, iTunes and everywhere fine books are sold. He is also a regular guest at One Of Us
He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove
