Hello all you frightening skin machines, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the dating advice column that helps heroes navigate the complicated webs of love.
This week, itâs all about sex â the sex we want to have, the sex we think we shouldnât have and the things we do anyway. Can a monogamous man accept an open relationship if itâs strictly physical, with no emotional ties? What about when a good Christian girl is caught between her desires and her beliefs? When the two come in conflict, what does it do to the relationship?
Itâs time to swing into action. Letâs do this thing.
Hi Dr. NerdLove,
So Iâve been dating a woman for a few months now and we have decided we want a monogamous relationship about a month ago. We are both in love with each other, spend a lot of time together and have many connections, interests and passions for many things. I think as though Iâve found the woman I want to be with for the rest of my life, but thereâs a catchâŠ.
From the get-go she told me that she is bisexual, but that it has been a while since sheâs been with another woman. For the last 8 years she has been in open relationships with men and women, and she was married for 5 years where they started to experiment with âswingingâ. She told me about all of this on the second or third date and my reaction and how I felt about it has obviously changed as my love for her and commitment to a relationship has also changed.
She says that she âcravesâ pussy and that itâs strictly the object of having sex with a woman and that there are no emotional ties if it were to happen while weâre in a relationship.
I have only had monogamous relationships in my life, along with several short-lived hookups, but have always been faithful to the person Iâm with. I donât think or know if Iâm ready to have an âopenâ relationship or a polyamorous relationship, as I am 35 years old, she is 40 and we have talked about what we want in our futures and marriage and children are both on the agenda. I canât picture having a polyamorous relationship and I donât know how comfortable I would be with being in a âmonogamousâ relationship, yet letting her get her âcraving for pussyâ fix.
I believe that this would be considered cheating, as the partner is having sex with another human being, regardless of gender, whereas she doesnât see it that way and doesnât see how that could affect a committed relationship, marriage or whatever else we have. She sees this action not as cheating but strictly sex, almost as an object with no emotions attached to it, which I believe is dangerous and could be unrealistic.
I donât want to be the boyfriend that sets rules or tells her that she canât do certain things, but itâs hard for me to change my moral views on this and how it could affect our relationship. I feel pressured to either give her an answer that itâs OK that she freely goes and has sex with other women, and I just donât know how to handle it.
I could really use some help!!! Thanks!
Vanilla By Nature
Thereâre a few things to unpack here, VBN, but letâs start with this: I donât think opening up the relationship would be a good idea for you for a number of reasons, and certainly not right now.
As Iâve discussed regarding other similar letters in the past, opening up a relationship is something that needs to be done with care and consideration if you donât want it to just be the prelude to the end of the relationship. Non-monogamous relationships of various stripes and flavors require trust, comfort, communication, communication and also communication. Right now, it seems like youâre missing at least two of those. You are clearly not comfortable with it, and it doesnât seem like you two are communicating well, either.
You clearly have very different views about sex and sexual fidelity â and hey, thatâs cool. Sex for some people is intrinsically tied up with love and emotional intimacy. For others, sex is sex, love is love, and while the two may co-mingle on occasion, theyâre very separate beasts. You are the former, while your girlfriend is the latter. And right now these two different views are causing conflict.
In a sense, this is an issue of belief definitions; youâre defining any sexual contact outside of a relationship as cheating, period, full stop. Your girlfriend, on the other hand, sees sex outside the relationship within the agreed upon rules as just sex; breaking those rules (having sex with a man, for example) would be cheating by her view. You donât believe someone could have sex without getting emotionally attached; she believes sex is something fun but separate from an emotional commitment.
So whoâs right? Both of you are. And therein lies the problem. Right now, you have two diametrically opposed viewpoints and, from the sounds of it, youâre not actually talking about this with her. Sheâs shared her side of the issue with you â her bisexuality, her relationship history of how sheâs practiced non-monogamy with partners, her interest in some occasional opportunity to pursue some no-strings-attached sex with women â but you havenât shared your side.
I get that you donât want to be the guy who tells his girlfriend what she can or canât do, but, my dude, you are allowed to have boundaries and dealbreakers. Youâre allowed to be the guy who says âhey, you know what? Iâm really not comfortable with the idea of an open relationship, even if youâre only sleeping with women.â If this is a hard line for you, which is completely legitimate, then you need to be willing to say that to her.
Thatâs vital because this part of your letter really leapt out at me:
I feel pressured to either give her an answer that itâs OK that she freely goes and has sex with other women.
I want to know exactly how this pressure is coming across, because from what youâve shared with me, it sounds like you either havenât said anything or youâre afraid to speak up and say how you feel. And Iâm here from the future to tell you: regardless of your reasoning, if you donât speak up now, then things are going to just get worse later on. If youâre afraid to share how you feel, then your swallowed feelings will just turn into bitterness and resentment over time.
If youâre feeling pressured because you donât feel that you have the right to tell her that youâre not cool with this, then youâre contributing to your own misery; you have to be able to advocate for your own interests and comfort within this relationship and any relationship you have in the future. If sheâs putting active pressure on you to give your blessing, despite your discomfort with the idea⊠well, thatâs not good for the relationship as a whole and you need to seriously reconsider your relationship with her.
But regardless of whatâs going on here, you need to â say it with me now â USE YOUR WORDS. This is going to be a source of conflict in your relationship going forward if you donât sort this out now. And the only way that youâre going to work through things is if you two actually talk about this. Especially if she doesnât know how uncomfortable you are with the idea of opening things up.
You and your girlfriend need to sit down andhave an awkward conversation about your feelings about monogamy. Start with sharing your side of things: hereâs why youâve been afraid to bring it up, hereâs how you feel about monogamy, here are your fears about what would happen if you were to say OK. Remember to make it clear that these are your feelings and anxieties, not a judgement about her. Then share what, in an ideal world, would work for you. Then itâs her turn and you let her have her say while you listen quietly.
Once sheâs done and you feel like you have a grasp on her take and she has a solid grasp on how you feel⊠well, thatâs when you decide what to do next. And thatâs where things get tough, because it sounds like you know where you stand on this and you arenât likely to change.
Is compromise possible? Sure, theoretically. Maybe thereâs some way that she can scratch that itch without actually having sex with someone else. Itâs also possible that, if you talk things out, you might feel a little more comfortable with the idea. Maybe if she can commit to monogamy with you for a time â a year, two years, who knows â to build up trust, then you might be able to revisit the question. Or you might not.
This sounds like a pretty hard ânoâ for you and thatâs fine. Thatâs perfectly legit. But that means that you and your girlfriend may just not be compatible with one another. This doesnât make either of you bad people; it just means that you two have a fundamental difference in what you need from a relationship. While you may love each other⊠well, like the song says, sometimes love isnât enough. And while thatâs a damn shame, itâs better that you find this out now, when youâre only a month into this relationship, then to drag it out.
Good luck.
Hey Dr. Nerdlove,
I have a difficult situation Iâd like some advice on. I am a 28 year guy who is pretty attractive, fairly fit, and lucky enough to work as a researcher in the tech industry. Iâve followed your blog and books for a while, and I believe I have gone from a needy/nice-guy attitude about relationships to someone with strong self-esteem and boundaries. Unfortunately, this growth hasnât translated into any meaningful, long-term relationships yet, which is what is so frustrating about my recent relationship with a girl named R.
R is a 25 year old nurse who comes from a conservative, Christian family. We became friends about a year ago through one of my friend groups. She also hasnât had many relationships, mostly due to her faith and the fact she still lives at home with her parents and brother. She also told me during the course of the relationship that she had no sex education other than a nursing school rotation, that she has never kept track of her menstrual cycle, and has never been to an OBGYN because she was never sexual with anyone else. Iâm saying all this now because it becomes important later on.
When R and I first become friends a year ago, I was dating another girl in the group called J. J is also a conservative Christian and, as I later found out, had never dated anyone else but me. After just 2 or 3 dates, J sent me a letter professing her love and her desire to get married. I ended that relationship in short order and took a break from the group for about a month. Upon returning to the group, I found R and I shared many interests while hanging out as friends over the past year. About two months ago, we discovered that we both liked each other but we decided needed to talk with J before starting our relationship. This ended up becoming the first of two issues we had.
We talked with J soon after and she seemed ok with us going out, but she wanted to tell the rest of the friend group (she constantly wants to be the meditator of disputes in the group). R and I said ok at the time to be gentle with her. A couple weeks later, after several dates, we decided to put our relationship on Facebook and J freaked out that she couldnât tell them anymore. She sent us more letters and bible quotes about hurting relationships, eventually so many that we had to block her. Several people in the group took her side after this and when I asked why, they hurled a lot of childish insults at us about breaking dating code.
Since I am pretty confident in myself, I just laughed off the insults and ignored them. Trying to be honest with R, I told her about the comments and how I ignored them, thinking she would also brush it off since she hears much worse in the hospital from patients. I was wrong. She accused me of not defending her and was further upset that I didnât immediately say anything to them. I tried telling her gently that they werenât good friends from their reactions and we shouldnât let them define us or our relationship. She didnât really accept that and after several days of discussion, said she forgave me for not defending her initially.
The second major problem was about sex. She had stated at the beginning of the relationship she didnât want to have sex, which I was fine with. However, during one of our first dates she began grinding on me while making out, promptly breaking down crying from guilt when I asked if she really wanted to do that. She calmed down and we agreed we wouldnât do anything like that again. But the following evening after another make out session, she asked me to take her shirt off and we proceeded to some mutual masturbation, with me checking that it was ok (she said yes). We did the same at the end of most of our dates the next few weeks, each time with me checking we didnât do anything she wasnât comfortable with. And each time when began making out, she said yes to the masturbation and whenever she no longer felt comfortable, we would stop. But she always felt guilty afterward and said she couldnât control herself when she got turned on. No matter how much or little we did, it was the same routine. We would start making out and end up in the bedroom.
The last week of our relationship, we werenât being careful during one of these physical encounters and had a small scare about her becoming pregnant. We didnât think there was anything more than a tiny chance something would happen but she didnât really want to talk about it. Additionally she got upset she I suggested an emergency contraceptive, stating those pills are abortion. I was still concerned the next few days considering her lack of understanding about sex and her menstrual cycle, and how her family would react if it did happen. I strongly encouraged her to talk to someone and she eventually agreed to talk with her mom about it. I decided after our discussion to talk to my dad, a healthcare professional, about the situation as well.
Neither of them were angry but both encouraged us to be smarter about it in the future. R told me the following day that she had her period and the conversation went well with her mom, but she got extremely upset over the fact I spoke with my dad. She said she still felt that I didnât defend her against the friends group, that I pressured her into talking with her mom, that I embarrassed her by talking with my dad and that she didnât want to talk with anyone about the situation, ultimately I should have known she didnât want to do anything sexual, and I shouldnât have started âinstigatingâ any physical contact when we were making out. At the end, she said she wanted to break up. This was all about a month after we started going out.
That was just over a week ago and Iâm still frustrated and disappointed by what happened. I feel I tried to do my best to be honest with her, to not cross any boundaries she had, and cultivate a healthy relationship. I felt talking with someone more experienced about our scare was the right thing to do, just as I thought talking with my dad was the right thing for me to do. I asked a couple friends and family members since the breakup whether I did the right thing in these situations and all have agreed that her overall reaction toward me was very immature and an excuse to run away from the situation. But Iâm still a little unsure and confused. Did I do the right things in this relationship? Like telling her about the friend insults and not responding to their childish insults, trying to work with her to stay in her sexual boundaries, and getting advice in a scary situation? Is there anything I could have done better?
We havenât spoken since that phone call and she has deleted all social media pictures of us together from our relationship and our friendship. However we still remain friends on social media and Iâm the only one she is friends with from the original friend group. I really believe we both loved the non-sexual parts of our relationship (going on dates, spending time together, etc), and it feels terrible that the end is defined by this. Do you think there any path back to a new relationship or friendship? Is it even worth bothering to try?
Lost and Confused
Yâknow, LaC, I originally had a lot to say about the dynamics around dating in friend groups and the conflicts between sexual desire and religion and the like, but then I noticed a couple of things.
First of all: yâall are in your mid to late 20s and youâre having to justify your relationship to your social circle? Violating dating code? This is high-school drama, not something you should be doing as grown-ass adults. The fact that this was even an issue is kind of absurd. I could see people being upset if they thought you were cheating on your previous girlfriend with R or that youâd treated her badly in the break up, but honestly this is the sort of thing that would suggest to me that you need a better class of friends. Preferably ones whoâve grown out of rules of âwell you canât date X because you dated Yâ and âyou made it Facebook Official before we were cool with it.â
Second of all: you went through all of this in the span of a month?? JustâŠ. dude.
Look, Iâm sure R is a lovely woman. But one of the rules of relationships is that you have to be in good working order and R doesnât seem like she is. If sheâs not able to take ownership for her own sexual desires or reconcile her own feelings with her religion, if sheâs upset about your discussing issues like a pregnancy scare with your family⊠well, it sounds like she still has a lot of growing and maturing to do, and youâve saved yourself a metric fuckton of drama down the line.
You did everything right. Itâs a shame that things didnât work out. Yeah, you may have enjoyed things when everything wasnât on fire, but again: holy hopping sheep shit thatâs a lot of drama to squeeze into a single goddamn month. Be grateful that things ended when they did and move on. And next time, maybe donât date conservative Christian women from your social circle.
Good luck.
Did you make an open relationship work? Did you survive relationship drama, with your partner or your friend group? Share your story in the comments below and weâll be back with more of your questions in two weeks.
Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotakuâs bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris OâMalley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question youâd like answered? Write [email protected] and put âKotakuâ in the subject line.
Harris OâMalley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. His new dating guide New Game+: The Geekâs Guide to Love, Sex and Dating is out now from Amazon, iTunes and everywhere fine books are sold He is also a regular guest at One Of Us
He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove
