Hello, Internet! Welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating advice column that can prove the Millenium Falcon is faster than the Enterprise NCC-1701-D.
This week we have two letters, each trying to solve a fundamental relationship issue: How long do you hang in and fight and when do you finally throw in the towel? Is it nobler to hold out for as long as possible or to cut your losses and go?
Sometimes the odds are against you, so never tell me the odds.
Letâs do this thing:
Dear Dr. NerdLove,
Help me out on this. My boyfriend is a terrible, terrible kisser and I donât know what to do.
Heâs an awesome guy. We bonded over Bioshock Infinite and jogging, now weâve been together for a year. We run our miles together and then go play Assassinâs Creed together and joke about the lack of female characters. I love him and everything is good. Except the kissing!!
Kisses start out alright but suddenly I have his tongue deep inside my throat, just⊠there. Maybe moving a little, like a probe, perhaps. I have to really open my mouth. Itâs not sexy. Itâs actually a huge turn-off.
Iâve tried everything I can think of. From guiding him to the kind of kisses I like to straight out telling him âI like this kind of kissâ when making out. I obviously donât want to just say âYouâre a bad kisserâ or âI donât like your kissesâ because that is awful, but what else can I do?? I want us to go the distance, but I wish I wonât get stuck with the surgical kisses. Any help?
No-one Likes a Dentist
If thereâs one activity that people consistently underestimate the importance of, itâs kissing. Being a great kisser is a key component of chemistry â literally. Many scientists believe that kissing evolved as a way of checking and confirming genetic compatibility, including comparing immune systems.
Kissing is also critical to a happy relationship. Studies have found that couples who kiss more are happier and more satisfied with their partners â it helps that kissing produces oxytocin, the hormone that promotes emotional bonding and helps create feelings of love and affection.
Needless to say, the quality of the kiss counts too; when youâve got a lousy kisser, youâre not going to want to kiss them more often, are you? One of my more memorable hook-ups was with a woman who not only wasnât a great kisser but who neglected to mention she was a biter â thereâs nothing like feeling like youâre suddenly mid-make-out with an especially attractive zombie, let me tell youâŠ
Now normally, I tell people dealing with a lousy kisser to frame things as a lesson â telling him or her âHereâs how I like to be kissedâ and then giving a very thorough demonstration. When done right, not only do you end up with a better kisser, but the process is unbelievably hot.
But youâve already been doing that, NOLD, which means itâs time to take more drastic measures. Clearly heâs got his âtechniqueâ and heâs convinced that his Burrowing Serpent style is superior to your Wu-Tang style. So itâs time to pull a three-strikes rule on your boy.
The next time the two of you are making out and he starts trying to snake your esophagus like heâs clearing the drain, pull back and say âThis is how I like to be kissedâ and demonstrate. This is strike one. Strike two â if/when he returns to playing tonsil hockey, you pull back and say âno, I just showed you how I prefer to be kissed.â
Strike three means that make-outs come to a screeching halt and itâs time to have a come-to-Jesus talk about his kissing style. Because frankly, if heâs not listened when youâve tried to guide him gently â twice â then itâs time to give him a session with the Chair Leg of Truth and his feelings will have to look after themselves.
And hey, itâs not a bad idea to show him this guide to give him an idea on how he could brush up his kissing technique.
Good luck.
Hey Doc!
There is a girl I knew for 8 years now. We always had a very complicated relationship. I liked her, she liked me, but somehow we could never get together officially for various reasons, either on her side or mine.
We laughed together a lot as friends, we hurt each other a lot, probably because of the constant tension between us. More than once we tried to just leave the whole thing be and forget about it. We tried avoiding each other and closing each other out from our lives. Itâs been 2 years and I canât forget about her.
Itâs like thereâs this feeling very deep inside of me, that our lives together would be perfect. That I wouldnât be happy with anyone else but her. I also have this feeling, that eventually we will end up being together and it will either have a very good ending, or a very bad one, BUT it will happen for sure.
Itâs not like I didnât give it my all to forget about her. Iâve read your articles. I focused on improving myself all the time. Iâm working out, I studied harder, I have more-or-less a successful life, or at least on the right track to it.
I also get offers from other girls rather frequently. But I keep thinking, âwhatâs the point?â I donât love those girls. I could have them as âcleanersâ. I could have my way with them, but it wouldnât ever be the same, even though they are very nice and kind girls. I donât feel like lying to them and eventually hurting them. Iâd blame myself way too much for that, I just canât bring myself to do that. I donât love them so those relationships wouldnât fruit anything. So why bother? I just prefer solitude instead.
Have just casual relationships/one night stands with women? Nah. Iâm a player but not a man-hoe. I like flirting a lot and stuff, but I never go beyond that. Itâs just not my style.
I want to know your opinion on this. I donât really have a dilemma, I got this pretty much sorted out for myself. I either end up with her, or a girl I love as much as her (which I find unlikely) or just simply alone (which Iâm honestly absolutely fine with). I just wanted to know whatâs your take on this. Ever experienced something similar? Am I too naive (and wrong)?
Stuck On Her
Stuck, I want you to know that I am absolutely sympathetic to your feelings. Iâve been where you are, convinced that this one woman was the absolute apotheosis of women, that she and I were destined to have the sort of love that people write epic poems about, full of dramatic moments in front of crashing waves or punctuated by swirls of windborne cherry blossoms.
But with that being said, itâs time to bring in the Hobnailed Boot of Reality to stomp all over those dreams.
What we have here, SOH, is a nasty case of Oneitis. Youâve convinced yourself that this girl youâve loved all these years is The One with a capital T and O. And hereâs the hard truth, SOH: she ainât. Sheâs not the one. There is no One. To be The One implies that you couldnât possibly find anyone else to compare to her. But to quote Tim Minchin:
âYour love is one in a million/
You couldnât buy it at any price/
But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other loves/
Statistically, some of them would be equally nice.â
Now Iâll be the first to agree: thatâs not the most romantic notion in the world. But when romance leads to willful blindness and impossible expectations⊠well, thatâs where weâve got a problem.
See, at its core, Oneitis is a way of covering up an intense scarcity mentality â you have to hold onto this one relationship because sheâs the only person who could love you or make you happy. Perversely, though, all it does is make you miserable. In reality, Oneitis is an invitation to a neverending heartbreak as you dash yourself on the rocks of reality over and over again, watching the one person youâve convinced yourself you can be happy with going off and being happy with people who arenât you.
And those are yearsâyearsâof your life where you could, yâknow, actually be happy.
Hereâs the thing about your Oneitis. While Iâm sure sheâs a lovely person, youâve basically elevated her to mythical status⊠and therein lies the problem. Youâve invested in the fantasy of her, of the relationship that the two of you might have. The fantasy relationship, the What-Might-Have Been and What-Could-Still-Be is always the best relationship ever. You never fight and when you do, itâs never one of those soul-killing screaming matches where you say things you regret before you even finish the last syllable, no, your fights are like shooting stars, bright streaks that vanish before youâre even sure you saw it.
In Fantasy Relationship, everything works out; you never have those moments when you realize that youâre just not wanting to fuck her as much as you used do or sheâs starting to have second thoughts about the relationship because sheâs got a crush on the guy at the office. You donât have those moments when you realize youâve been arguing for a half hour over what to watch on Netflix. You never look at each other and grind your teeth at the way she always talks over you when youâre out with your friends and she doesnât roll her eyes at how you keep talking about your grandiose plans that you never actually work towards. She doesnât let her health fall by the wayside and you never let your ambitions fade into resentment for lost dreams and the two of you never have nights when the sex is so out of synch that you just get angry at each other.
Fantasy Relationship is perfect, because Fantasy Relationship never happens. It is forever the archetype to compare all other, imperfect relationships to, and why risk anything less than perfection?
Well, because as long as you hold out for the fantasy, you never have to worry about reality. You never have to deal with the unpleasant sides of dating â you never have to get rejected, you never have to break up with someone, you never have to have that realization that just because you love each other doesnât mean that itâs going to work.
And even better, it lets you paint yourself as the hero.
Even your faux-stoic âIf I canât have her, I will be alone for the rest of my life and thatâs okâ pose is in service of the fantasy; it makes you into a heroic Martyr for True Love rather than someone who canât let go and move on. That voice inside of you that says âyes this is fateâ isnât your hitherto unrevealed powers of prophecy, SOH, itâs confirmation bias. Itâs the voice of your jerk-brain telling you to hold out for that fantasy because this way you never have to be disappointed and your misery is justified because it will be part of your Epic Love Story To Last The Ages.
You know why those women you meet canât measure up? You donât give them a chance to. You have already decided that they couldnât possibly measure up to your snuggle-bunny and reject them because itâs easier to pretend youâre being noble about ânot using themâ than getting to know somebody and risking a real, imperfect relationship. Thatâs not you being cool and noble, thatâs the story youâre using to dress up your unwillingness to let go and take risks.
Cold hard truth: there is no One. There is nobody, your dream girl included, who is The One for you. There is the person whoâs close to the One, where you round up to one because theyâre just that awesome that what you do get in that relationship is worth what you donât
Donât get me wrong: Iâm not saying you donât genuinely care for her. But your dreams about being perfect together are just that: dreams. Sheâs not the only person you could ever care for. If you give yourself a chance youâll realize youâll find other people you care about just as much.
I know this has been harsh, but believe me, itâs said with total sympathy. Iâve been where you are. Iâve gone through what youâve gone through and it took me even longer to pull out of the dream and to get my life back so I could actually recover and have a real relationship with someone who actually cared for me as much as I cared for them. I want to spare you the bullshit I had to go through â especially because it ultimately destroyed my relationship with my personal Oneitis.
Itâs time to put the fantasy away and deal with reality. This relationship youâre dreaming about doesnât exist. Two years is a damned long time to be holding on, especially when youâve quit being in contact.
You need to let go. Let go of the fantasy. Let go of the ego-protection. Let yourself mourn for what might have been, sure. Feel the fuck out of your feels. Give yourself a long-weekend and have a nice self-destructive bender of Makerâs Mark and Chinese take-out and cry your eyes out if thatâs what it takes. But let it go.
Start paying more attention to those other women you say are into you. Get to know them in all of their wonderfully imperfect glory. Be amazed that, when you give people a chance, youâll find many others who are, indeed, just as nice.
Have you reformed a bad kisser? Did you pull out of the Oneitis spiral? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments and weâll be back in two weeks with more of your dating questions.
Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotakuâs bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris OâMalley, AKA Dr. Nerdlove. Got a question youâd like answered? Write [email protected] and put âKotakuâ in the subject line.
Harris OâMalley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast His new book Simplified Dating is available exclusively through Amazon He is also a regular guest at One Of Us He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove
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