Hello, Internet! Welcome to
Ask Dr. Nerdlove, the only dating advice column that knows how to get every ending in the dating sim of your life.
This week, we have a common problem: what do you do when you keep getting the Letâs Just Be Friends speech from the women you want to date? Do women
really mean it? And if they do, why do they ditch you when they start dating someone else?
Plus: how to spice up a dreary sex-life, and an update from a reader about his dating problemsâŠ
Letâs do this thing.
Hey Doc NerdLove,
Iâve got something of a problem thatâs tangentially about dating, and I figured I would see if you could help.
So me:
30, single, male; 5â10â, 180 lbs, not amazing shape but not terrible shape either. Not the best looking guy in the world, but not the worst either. Personality wise Iâm introverted by nature, but I am friendly and outgoing when I leave the house; Iâm pretty funny, optimistic and smart but get described as offbeat a lot too. This is all to say that while I would definitely not say I kill it with women, itâs not like talking to them is a terrifying or alien ordeal; usually it goes pretty well and both parties end up pretty much unscathed.
EXCEPT FOR THIS:
Throughout my twenties I have found myself in a cycle that I really want to end.
1. I meet a girl.
2. I realize Iâm into the girl, and the girl seems into me as well. They usually tend to be the ones who seek me out after our initial meeting.
3. I ask the girl out, and they say âOh no, I just want to be friendsâ.
4. I say âOkayâ.
5. Over the next couple of months, we are friends, and usually become really close. Iâm usually told a lot of things like âI feel like I can tell you things Iâve never told anyone beforeâ and âIâm so happy I have you around.â
6. The girl meets her next boyfriend.
7. The girl, without saying anything to me, pretty much ceases all communication with me.
8. I am really hurt at the loss of my friend.
I hate this cycle. Itâs the worst, because I feel like Iâm getting dumped, without any of the fun of dating; and over the past 10 years itâs probably happened about 7-8 times, and I can feel itâs starting to affect the way I feel about women in a pretty negative way.
Iâm finding that I hold back from them more and more, and donât really trust them as friends. I know when you start seeing someone new, things can get busy and your other friendships can get prioritized less; but this is not so much as âHey we donât hang out so much anymoreâ but rather âOh you donât care if weâre part of each otherâs lives at all.â Iâve never experienced this level of being shut out with my guy friends; they may come out less, but they still talk to me.
Rationally, I know that this must be some subtype of peopleâs personalities, and that thereâs got to be some sort of way to see red flags associated with them so I can avoid investing so much in the friendship.
Emotionally, it seems like women are selfish jerks who simply want to use my good nature as a crutch while they find the guy they really want. Clearly this is not a healthy perspective to have.
So Iâve got two questions for you:
One, do you have any advice for warning signs or maybe things I can work on about myself so that maybe I can stop finding myself in this situation with ladies I let in emotionally?
Two, sometimes (usually when the guy is gone), the girl tries to reform the friendship, and so far I havenât done well with that situation either.
When I tried to call them out on whatâs happened, I get called a jerk and thereâs no real resolution or progress made. When I tried to âbe coolâ about it, and act like it didnât hurt me that much, the cycle simply repeated itself.
Do you have any advice on how to handle that type of situation?
Mr. Red
So a patient comes to me and says âDoctor, it hurts when I do this.â So I say to him âSo stop doing that.â
(Remember: Doctor NerdLove is not really a doctor.)
This may sound a little dismissive but if youâre doing the same thing over and over again and itâs continually getting you hurt, then it may well be time to try something else. If youâre ending up in the same place over and over again, the thing you have to recognize is that sometimes the only common denominator is
you
So how do we change the equation? Well, letâs break it down a little.
The first thing we need to do is examine the initiating behavior: you getting the dreaded Letâs Just Be Friends speech from women youâre interested in. If youâre hearing LJBF frequently then odds are that the problem is either in how youâre presenting yourself or in your approach.
When you hear LJBF, what youâre hearing is that she just doesnât find you sexually attractive â thereâs no âsparkâ, no burst of chemistry. The thing about chemistry is that itâs not binary â itâs not âthereâ or ânever going to be thereâ â chemistry is something that you
create
Now the trick is that there is two types of chemistry:
physical (or sexual) chemistry and emotional chemistry. The problem is that you need to maintain a balance between the two. Too much physical chemistry without any emotional connection and youâve got someone whoâs turned on but may not necessarily like you enough to do something with that arousal. Too much emotional chemistry and you end up with a platonic BFF. You sound like youâve got the emotional chemistry down pat â women feel close to you and tell you their deepest secrets â but youâve got zero physical chemistry.
If I were to guess, I would say that you play things a little too safe; you build emotional connections and find commonalities but you give absolutely
no indication that you may like her for her mind but you want her for her ass. So you need to be willing to inject a little sexuality into your flirting, a willingness to tease, and to touch (the right way).
In short: you want to act like a lover, not a friend. Yes, youâre going to be risking rejection. Itâs better to take the rejection and move on to somebody who wants what you have to offer than to end up in a âfriendshipâ that youâre treating as a boobie-prize.
Which, incidentally, is part of the problem with whatâs going on
after youâve been given the LJBF speech.
The reason why you keep getting the brush-off from these women once they find a guy is that up until that point, youâre serving to fulfill their need for emotional intimacy. There are people who will use platonic friends for the intimacy they want from a romantic partner. And believe me, this is
not a âgirlâ thing â guys do this to their platonic female friends all the damn time
(Side note: I rarely hear about this in platonic queer relationships, hence the heteronormativity. Still, the plural of anecdote isnât âdataâ, so grains of salt, etc.)
The friend is essentially serving as Emergency Substitute Relationship, essentially a back-up partner until someone more âsuitableâ (read: that they want to fuck) comes around. When they do, the platonic friend gets ditched until theyâre needed again.
Now, what do you do about this?
Well, ideally, you ID and avoid these people in advance and avoid getting overly emotionally invested in the first place. Since this seems to happen to you so often, you are going to want
to start looking inward â if youâre repeating a pattern, then it has a lot more to do with your mindset than womenâs in general. Examine what exactly it is about these women that you like and then ask yourself why youâre attracted to them.
The next step is to simply not invest so quickly and
maintain some boundaries. People who are looking for emotional intimacy pacifiers tend to get very close, very quickly â they want that deep connection until they can get emotional and sexual intimacy. Itâs also worth noting that this tends to be a very one-sided relationship â youâll find that theyâre more interested in your meeting their needs and less so than in their meeting yours. At the time, it can feel amazing that theyâre trusting you and opening up to you and thereâs this impulse to want to be the guy who listens and comforts his friends, but if theyâre spending more time unloading to you than they are listening when you talk, then thatâs a warning sign. Yeah, it may feel like youâre soulmates and it feels great, but you frequently find yourself shouldering a lot of their emotional needs and thatâs not fair to you â especially when they ditch you.
Youâre allowed to keep a certain amount of space and set limits, even with your friends. You donât need to be at their beck and call or give them all your time. Set some boundaries and do things on
your terms, too.
Those boundaries are also important after they ditch you and try to re-engage with you when theyâre single again. Most of the time Iâd say itâs not worth striking the friendship back up again, but if itâs what you want then you need to be willing to stand up for yourself. Be willing to tell them that you donât appreciate the way they disappeared on you and have now come back like nothing has changed. Someone who likes and respects you will recognize that theyâve been acting like an asshole, apologize, and adjust their ways. Someone who
doesnât is just trading on your willingness to be a doormat and the best thing you can do is refuse to play along. If theyâre not willing to acknowledge or respect your feelings on the matter, then itâs time to just walk away.
Good luck.
Doc,
May I call you Doc? I have a question of utmost importance. How do I have mindblowing sex with my girlfriend/soon to be fiancee without overstepping my bounds. I really donât want to be stuck in a single-position sex life for eternity and really want to spice things up in the bedroom. Missionary is very rarely exciting. It is frankly it is starting to get to her and myself. I am just absolutely terrified that I am going to do something wrong and she is going to explode on me about it. It didnât use to be this way either! We used to have sex fairly regularly, but lately everything has been stale. I am afraid to make a move, fool around and bluntly just get the job done.
Thanks,
Lust For Life
Communicate, communicate, communicate. And also: communicate.
Seriously, LFL, if youâre in a relationship with someone â especially if youâre planning on getting engaged, you need to be able to actually have a conversation with your partner about your needs. So if the sex is starting to get stale and you want it to change, you have to use your words.
Talking about what youâd like to do beforehand is
almost always a better option than just springing it on your partner with no warning. Thatâs a very good way to find out youâve just stomped all over a personal boundary or tried a move thatâs going to put her on the Nope Train to Fuck This Shitville.
I realize that it feels like sex is something that should be spontaneous and talking or
planning it out feels like the antithesis of sexy or that itâs somehow not as âgenuineâ but honestly: if you want to change things up or incorporate something new in the bedroom â whether itâs just a new position or being tied to the bedposts and flogged like the naughty boy you are â then you want to talk about it before youâre in the middle of things.
Now this doesnât mean that you necessarily have to treat this like an emergency intervention where you both sit on the couch and dissect everything thatâs been going on. If the two of you have gotten stuck in a sex-rut, then suggest that youâd like to try something different.
The key is in how you present things. You donât want to lead off like youâre admitting you have cancer â thatâs going to encourage her to see things negatively. Similarly, you donât necessarily want to present it in a âhmm, what do you think of this?â sort of way â because our culture is so sex-negative, thereâs an impulse to treat anything out of the ordinary (which may simply be something as unremarkable as fucking from behind rather than missionary this time) with a reflexive ânoâ, even if theyâd consider it otherwise.
This is how you phrase it: âYou know, Iâve been thinking about doing $SEX_ACT with you and it really turns me on. Iâd love to try this with youâŠâ Itâs short, simple and emphasizes that this is something you
want rather than an idle curiosity. Plus, talking about things youâd like to do to each other while youâre making out is incredibly hot.
Donât be ashamed of wanting better sex in your relationship. Sexual compatibility and sexual satisfaction is critical to a long-lasting, happy relationship.
And just as an aside? If youâre literally terrified to bring things up to your girlfriend, then itâs seriously time to rethink the relationship.
Good luck.
Regular readers of my column may remember Phantom Zone Phil,
who was having his doubts about the identity of his online-only girlfriend. Since I advised him that he was likely being catfished, heâs gone on to confront his Internet paramour and⊠well, Iâll let Phill tell you the rest.
Doc!
I donât know if you like updates, but I got a fun one. The person I described in my original advice request (who was REALLY mad about your column btw) just told me that they are actually a 30 year old heterosexual male living in Paris. They said that they just enjoyed my company and âplaying gamesâ with me, which is why they pretended to be a woman in love/lust with me for like a month.
Iâve done a lot of research on narcissistic personality disorder and sociopathy since meeting them, and Iâve learned a lot.
Thanks again for the advice!
Phantom Zone Phil
Good to hear that you got some answers, Phil. It always seems to be the antithesis of romance, but sometimes the best practice is âtrust⊠but verify.â
Ever dealt with the LJBF speech? Have some tips on how to reignite a dull relationship? Share your thoughts and theories in the comments section, and weâll see you in two weeks with more of your questions!
Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotakuâs bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris OâMalley, AKA Dr. Nerdlove. Got a question youâd like answered? Write [email protected] and put âKotakuâ in the subject line.
Harris OâMalley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast His new book Simplified Dating is available exclusively through Amazon He is also a regular guest at One Of UsHe can be found dispensing snark and advice onFacebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove
