Backhanded Box Quotes: BFG is a POS.

Welcome back to “Backhanded Box Quotes,” a collection of measured, thoughtful criticism from the user reviews of Metacritic and elsewhere.

Doom? James Bond? Dragon Ball Z? Big names, big deal. With critic scores inflated like your typical Ivy League comparative lit final, we’ve got to go to the vox populi to get the real word on the abject crappiness of the latest re-releases and never-shoulda-been-releases.

Doom 3: BFG Edition

Released: Oct. 16

Critic: Imachuemanch (Metacritic)

• “Doom 3: Jump for Cash Edition.”

Score: 1

Critic: Devavres (Metacritic)

• “The mix of noise will ravage your ears the way the UPS man ravaged your mother when you were five and Daddy was on a business trip.”

Score: 4

Critic: Eddie_Izzard (Metacritic)

• “Zenimax can blow me.”

Score: 3

007 Legends

Released: Oct. 16

Critic: nufrequency (Metacritic)

• “I wouldn’t even pirate it!.”

Score: 0

Critic:Mazmorrero47 (Metacritic)

• “Not even worth [it] for the Torrent.”

Score: 2

Dragonball Z for Kinect

Released: Oct. 9

Critic: therealgiblet (Metacritic)

• “I bought a Kinect for this as my son is an avid Dragon Ball Z fan. We’re not actaully going to be able to eat now for a week—but hell it’s worth it. If this isn’t the future then I’m a hungry disillusioned idiot.”

Score: 0

That’s the most heartbreaking user review I’ve ever read.

Backhanded Box Quotes will be an occasional feature of Kotaku’s Anger Management hour, unless it isn’t.