Discount Machete

Have you ever bought a machete on sale? I did, earlier this week.

Monday I went up to the big box hardware store and snapped up a mower and a weed trimmer, because I’m an idiot who doesn’t simply write a check every month to a lawn service to do the same thing for me. But there was a huge branch from a gingko tree hanging over the back walk, so I needed a pair of lopping shears. Back to the big box I go.

It blew me away that, next to the shears—and I bought good ones—was a rack of machetes. These are, basically, swords. For $15. 1200 Microsoft points. A sword. I’ve never owned a machete. I never had a reason to. I didn’t have a reason to now. But the concept just appealed to me. Powerfully. So I tossed one in the cart.

What the hell am I gonna do with a machete, other than hurt myself? Confront a burglar? Christ, I could barely muster the will to punch someone in the face when I was 13. Plus, I wouldn’t want to leave blood all over the floor.

Yeah, I’d like to think I’d hold the guy at machetepoint while I dialed the cops, but most likely I’d barricade myself in the basement—because it has a concrete floor and a drain.

What kind of impulse purchases have you made this week?