Elon Musk Sleeps Next To A Deus Ex: Human Revolution Gun For No Reason

By his own admission, Elon Musk jumps into sleep’s deep, dark nothingness next to a pistol in a box with Washington Crossing the Delaware on it, four drained, gold, caffeine-free Diet Coke cans, and a replica of a Deus Ex: Human Revolution gun held together by screws.

My bedside table pic.twitter.com/sIdRYJcLTK

— Elon Musk (@elonmusk) November 28, 2022

Let me start by saying this: Oh my God. Elon Musk is the guy with the pizza-stained mattress on the floor. He’s the guy at the club who comes off like he’d turn your life into a House of Wax sequel. I did a few reverse image searches on Musk’s purported bedside table because it seemed too overwhelmingly male, too perfect of a caricature to be true, but all roads lead back to Musk and the soul-crushing single guy syndrome that seems to gas leak from his body. Oh my God.

But you can’t fault the Mars-obsessed, public transit-averse, AI-ogling billionaire for being a Deus Ex fan. In 2020, he changed his Twitter profile picture to the Deus Ex cover from 2000, which shows superhuman agent and protagonist JC Denton staring up morosely, through Matrix tiny glasses, probably contemplating taking down trillionaire and nonconsensual biochipper Bob Page.

Musk’s plasticky Diamond Back .357 is first seen on protagonist Adam Jensen in Human Revolution, the series installment from 2011 when he tries and fails to use it against the sinewy supersoldier Jason Namir. Musk, a self-appointed intergalactic polluter, an alleged workplace harasser, and, to help facilitate those other things, a lonely knight for free speech, is no doubt excited by JC’s trenchcoat fight for technology. So excited, in fact, that the thought of wielding a cool, nondescript gun while fighting for humanity (by allowing more slurs on Twitter) helps him dodge the more obvious parallel between him and the bad guy

The Diet Cokes, I assume, provide the aspartame cherry on top. Their presence beside Musk’s bed also confirm my mounting suspicion that there is a Diet Coke psyop targeting white guys over 25, no doubt by Musk’s hand. When I asked all the white guys I know what they thought about Diet Coke, this is what they said:

“It’s enhanced water.” – Ian

The appeal of Diet Coke lies in its “bubbles as crisp as the air of a gray autumn morning,” in addition to the “life-affirming lift of 46 milligrams of caffeine per 12 fluid ounces, and all for zero calories.” – Ben

“The caffeine-free version destroys my gut microbiome enough to make me forget my pain.” – Mark

“The mouthfeel is incredible—you can’t even digest what’s making it sweet, so it has this immortality, explaining why us and Elon male manipulators love it so much.” – Zach

Since I am a girl and have not been targeted by the Diet Coke psyop, I can report with a clear head that it tastes like 100% crude oil. But for Musk and the men he represents, I can see the appeal in cosplaying willful ignorance, both with toy guns and sodas. Drown it in sweetener. It helps him sleep at night, clearly.