Fake Gamer of the Week: Attack of the Electric Neon Tentacle Monster

“What, it’s just harmless anime! It’s not like helpless school girls are ever attacked by lascivious multi-tentacled creatures hell-bent on human exploration in real life.”

That’s what he kept saying, and as it turns out he was completely 100 percent correct.

In real life, the tentacle monsters attack men.

I don’t know what to tell you, Dale, other than perhaps you had this coming, all those nights parked in front of your plasma, giggling hysterically at Guyver: Out of Control and Urotsukidōji. You were rooting for the creatures. Well, now they’re rooting for you.

It’s only a matter of time before they root their way right through those jeans.

Help? You want my help? After I spent all of Anime Weekend Atlanta listening to you discuss hypothetical tendril attacks on the innocent cosplayers? And that time Emily and I took you out for Japanese and you kept waving that squid in her face?

Yeah, okay. I’ll help. Have you tried playing music at it?

What’s that? It’s not working? Of course it isn’t working. Do I look like a tentacle monster expert to you?

Really? This is the appropriate time for a comment like that? Fine, have fun with the electric octopus. I’d buy it dinner afterwards if I were you.

Shit, fine! Stop crying you big baby. Have you tried transforming into a shorts-wearing bearded man?

Wow. I did not think that would actually work. Well, good on you. I’m gonna go home and watch La Blue Girl

Fake Gamer of the Week is Kotaku’s weekly tribute to the strange and wonderful stock photo models of the world. Male, female, young, old; the beautiful, the ugly, the strange, and the disconcerting. We’ve got ’em all, with a new entry every Monday. Past Fake Gamers can be found at the Fake Gamer of the Week archive.

Photo credit: HomeArt | Shutterstock