I Never Expected To See a Sex Toy in a Nintendo Game

Always on the lookout for crazy games, I dove into my local game store’s bargain bin and came up with Captain Rainbow. This adventure game follows the titular Captain Rainbow, a Power Ranger-like transforming superhero as he encounters many of Nintendo’s C-grade characters. I expected it to be weird, but I never for a moment expected to be raiding classic Nintendo characters’ houses in search of sex toys. Yes, you read that right. No, it wasn’t a joke.

To see my moment-by-moment reactions to the game’s first two hours, continue on… if you dare!

30 Seconds:

Why is it that the very first time I see Captain Rainbow he’s standing in a shady back alley showing his yo-yo to children?

1 Minute:

Frustrated that the children no longer want to see his yo-yo, Nick (Captain Rainbow’s secret identity) sets off on a lashed-together raft to the Island of Misfit Toys—Er, I mean the island where wishes come true (that only happens to be filled with C-list Nintendo characters).

2 Minutes:

Nearing the island, Nick sees a drowning bunny-creature. Without a second’s thought, he transforms, jumps into the water… and rolls a critical failure, not only losing his transformation belt but drowning as well.

3 Minutes:

Good news: I (now in control of Nick) have awakened alive on a beach. Bad news: The bunnies seem to have stolen my belt. Nice.

5 Minutes:

Hmmm. I seem to have only one attack, I charge up the “kaio-ken” and run head first into objects. If I miss though, I fall over dizzily.

10 Minutes:

The bunnies are all watching a shrine maiden tell a fairy tale… in what I can only call “Animal Crossing-ese.”

15 Minutes:

After the story is done, the bunnies fade out. So the bunnies were apparently all ghost?

20 Minutes:

To save your game, you go to the outhouse and squat over the toilet. Suda51 would be so proud.

22 Minutes:

The shrine maiden is showing me a wall carving in her house and now my hand is glowing like something straight out of The Last Story

30 Minutes:

Just like Link, Nick turns to the camera and shows off whatever item he’s just received as it floats inches above his hand.

40 Minutes:

Well there’s a character I recognize! Super Mario 2‘s Birdo. She’s apparently been arrested by the cops and is locked up in a cage.

41 Minutes:

And now she’s dropping beeped out f-bombs by the score.

44 Minutes:

North of Birdo is an army of midgets. No, I don’t know why.

47 Minutes:

The local police officer is a robot. At this point, why not?

55 Minutes:

Okay, all across the island are these stone doors. Each door can only be opened at the right time of day. I guess I should make a sandwich or something while I wait for the clock to run down. Be right back.

1 Hour:

Looks like each day is about ten minutes long (with night being another ten minutes long). And boy, is this sandwich tasty.

1 Hour, 3 Minutes:

Ha! Got my belt back. How it got stuck in the ceiling of this sealed-off cave though, I fear I will never know.

1 Hour, 4 Minutes:

My belt makes rainbows come out of my crotch! Fear me now, world. Fear me now!

1 Hour, 10 Minutes:

So, um… I’m not saying that Nick is a homosexual, but there were an awful lot of bright colors, crotch rainbows, and feminine dancing in that transformation sequence.

1 Hour, 15 Minutes:

And now the robot police officer wants a picture of me. I’m not sure if I should be worried or not.

1 Hour, 25 Minutes:

The wall in the priestess’ house opens up when I touch it as Captain Rainbow.

1 Hour, 26 Minutes:

I now have my own Batcave.

1 Hour, 28 Minutes:

And like Batman, I seem to be happy to reveal my secret identity to every girl I meet. Great.

1 Hour, 30 Minutes:

I can level up my yo-yo by inserting it into an old Family Computer Disk System (the Japan-only floppy disk drive for the NES).

1 Hour, 45 Minutes:

I found the robot cop frozen in place. So what did I do? Assault the cop and steal his battery, of course! …I did recharge it and give it back.

1 Hour, 55 Minutes:

So here’s the deal. Birdo was arrested because the police officer saw her coming out of the women’s restroom and he simply doesn’t believe that she’s a girl. In all fairness to him, Birdo’s gibberish voice is male and she does curse like a sailor. To clear her name, I will need to find evidence in her house that proves she’s a woman. I’m thinking maybe an ID card or maybe her eggs or…

2 Hours:

…a vibrator

https://lastchance.cc/birdo-imprisoned-over-gender-mix-up-only-a-dildo-can-s-5043331%3C/a%3E%3C/p%3E

Captain Rainbow was released in Japan on August 28, 2008 for the Nintendo Wii. There are currently no plans for an international release. Stay tuned to Kotaku East for the full import preview later this week.