Hear Me Out, Mario Kart 9 Should Be An RPG

Nintendo made an interesting decision with Mario Kart 8. They chose to make it so good, and so comprehensive, that it removed the need to make any more. It has now been over ten years since Mario Kart 8 first released, more than double the length that’s ever come between an entry in the series before. Honestly, they could re-re-release 8 for the Switch 2, and it’d still sell millions. Given this, here’s an idea: why not do something dramatically different with Mario Kart 9?

All I’m saying is make it into an RPG.

It’s really hard to underline properly how unprecedented is the success of Mario Kart 8. This game was first released for the Wii U in 2014, then re-released for the Switch in 2017 as Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. Now, it was an embellished version, with all previous DLC, new characters, let you hold two items, and a rejuvenated battle mode, but it was still very much the same game. The Wii U version is thought to have sold almost 8.5 million copies, and the Switch release is one of the best-selling games ever made, at an astonishing 64 million copies. With frequent new content, and endless fixes and tweaks, the game is still receiving patches even since what appears to be its final content update when it hit version 3.0.0 in November 2023.

It’s been such a phenomenon that Nintendo has very wisely not attempted to usurp it, doubling the longest ever gap between entries, the previous longest stretch being from 1996’s Mario Kart 64 to 2001’s GBA title, Mario Kart: Super Circuit. And listen, remember when Nintendo formerly announced the Switch 2 last week, and everyone spent a couple of hours arguing over whether the game footage shown was Mario Kart 8 or something new? People seemed like they’d be happy with just some more of 8

So why not? May as well just tip that numeral over and call it Mario Kart ∞. Add a whole bunch more tracks, update something else, call it a day. And for Mario Kart 9, let’s go deep.

One of my all-time favorite games is 2004’s Mario Golf: Advance Tour. I have never played a real game of golf in my life, and have no interest in golf games in general, but that Game Boy Advance game was utter joy from start to finish. You played as one of two kids, Neil or Ella, who join the Marion Clubhouse as potential star golf students. There you meet an eclectic mix of humans and Mario characters, with the ultimate aim of beating Mario himself in the final championship. And it’s wonderful! Utterly bonkers, with splendid writing, the vast majority of the time you’re actively playing the core golf game, but all within a narrative, and surrounded by RPG elements.

When developers Camelot returned with 2014’s Mario Golf: World Tour, I was so excited! Ten years later there was to be another entry! And then I found out this was a follow-up to the GameCube’s Toadstool Tour, no RPG at all, and I went off and sulked. I went through much the same in 2021 with Mario Golf: Super Rush. I’m still sulking now. But I still hold hope in my heart. I still believe that every single Mario game can be massively improved by being an RPG. So let me sell you on this idea for Mario Kart

You pick a character, whether it’s a Neil or an Ella or a Toad, and you get your first kart. You have just arrived at the Marion Gran Prix Academy, a location that has four local racetracks, Luigi Raceway, Moo Moo Farm, Koopa Troopa Beach and Kalimari Desert. You’re tasked with completing various training races, learning skills like jumping and skidding, as well as how best to use the various item drops. Once you’ve completed these tasks, you can take part in each track’s big race, and once you’ve won trophies in all four, you unlock access to the next site, the one that has Toad’s Turnpike, Frappe Snowland, Choco Mountain, and Mario Raceway.

Along the way, you gain levels, letting you spend points in speed, drift, bounce, steering, and the all-important luck. You develop your character according to your own preferred approach to Mario Kart, the relatively minor tweaks letting you lean in to your own skills.

Each site has Mario characters scattered about, people to talk with, little secrets to discover. And each has its own unique bonus rounds, time trials, and extra challenges. The ultimate goal is, of course, to beat Mario on the Rainbow Road, but that’s a distant dream when you begin. You’ll need to have developed your kart into something really special to manage that, tweaked its brakes and drift to your ideal settings, and gained the best skills in a starting boost.

Obviously this is the greatest idea anyone has ever had, but alongside my rightfully being given a million-billion dollars and a crown, I imagine there are a few ne’er-do-wells who would argue, “But I want a PROPER Mario Kart 9!” That’s because they didn’t read the first half of this perfect argument properly, and realize they just already have it. It’s Mario Kart Infinite, remember? When Nintendo is building me my throne made of Master Swords, I’ll remind them they have to make that Switch 2 upgrade for 8/Infinite, with the handful of new tracks, and that’ll keep them distracted while the rest of us have the best time ever

Glad we could get this sorted.