Oh Prime, What Has The New Transformers Movie Done To You?

Last night during its annual pre-New York Comic-Con party, Hasbro unveiled the first toy tie in for 2014’s Transformers: Age of Extinction. It’s Leader Class Optimus Prime, and he makes me sad.

This isn’t general Michael Bay-bot bashing. After three movies I’ve learned to appreciate what he’s done to bring my childhood heroes into the spotlight. Like his styles or not, he’s helped rejuvenate the brand.

No, this is me looking at a new Leader Class Optimus Prime figure and feeling nothing but pity for the poor bastard.

The truck mode is fine. Truth be told, I probably like this vehicle mode more than any other movie version of the figure. I like the curves, the chrome, and the whole “screw it, give him all the smokestacks” vibe its got going on.

It’s not you in vehicle form, Optimus — it’s you in robot form.

Random bits of red and blue splayed across your chest, arms connecting to your shoulders by laughably small joints, blue panels draped across them to add the illusion of bulk. Your awesome, open-crotch blue skirt, flapping in the wind. Your handy-dandy backpack, cleverly disguised as the wheels of a truck — I’m not sure that’s how “Robots in Disguise” was supposed to work, but we’ll roll with it.

Maybe it’s the plot of the movie. I hear this one is supposed to feature the Dinobots. Maybe Optimus is devolving into one. He’s got that Grimlock-esque flaming sword, and that…whatever the hell that gun is thing. Maybe exposed robo-crotch is a sign of power among the primitives.

Some of you will look at this figure and love it.

He doesn’t look like he loves you back, but if it makes you happy.