Fall Guys is the game of the moment. Everyone, including myself, is absolutely enamored with these terrifyingly talljellybean friends competing to see who can win at this game show battle royale. Games are divided into rounds of mini-games, some of which are definitely more fun than others. One game that is always bad, though, is Slime Climb. Somehow, itâs even worse when itâs the first game in a match.
Thereâs usually a sort of flow to how Fall Guys matches play out. The first round is usually an obstacle course like Hit Parade or Whirlygig, then a team game (shoutouts to the ever-infuriating Tail Tag), then one of the other survival games, like Roll Out or the nefarious Slime Climb.
Slime Climb is an uphill obstacle course where perilous pink slime slowly eats the course up behind you. If youâre not fast and precise enoughâa daunting task given the gameâs purposefully wonky physicsâyouâll get eliminated. Slime Climbâs obstacles include sliding horizontal platforms that push you to a lower level and into the slime if youâre too slow, Indiana Jones-style giant rolling balls, and spinning hammers that will happily knock your block off. In short, itâs the worst mini game in Fall Guys. Which is why, when I had it as the very first game in a round last night, my will to live crumbled.
Iâve yet to win a game of Fall Guys, but I keep hope alive in my heart every time I initiate the drop into a new show. But when the Slime Climb screen came up first, my heart shattered. Normally, youâre able to work your way up to Slime Climb; you get a few warm-up rounds before you have to deal with the worldâs worst obstacle course. But no, Fall Guys looked me dead in the eye and said âget gud, loser.â
Reader, I did not get gud. Though I was in a pit of despair upon realizing Iâd have to take on my least favorite game out the gate, I vowed I would *anime voice* do my best. Making it past the first set of sliding platforms was alright, and I even managed to skirt the giant balls, though I took some hits in the process. But the second set of moving platforms has consistently been my demise, and this time was no different. After playing with a friend recently, I thought I had learned a new strat to get by them: In theory, you can stagger the timing of your crossing to avoid being knocked off the level. But itâs trickier than it looks and I have far from mastered it, especially so early in a match. Taking what I would consider to be the most difficult mini game on first wasâŠdisheartening to say the least.
Still, I tried. My effort was met with disappointment. I made it to the last platform, only to be pushed to my death at the very last second as my little stubby pigeon leg was caught by the platformâs edge and I went tumbling. Despite still giving it my best in the face of impossible odds, I slid into the great pink maw and watched my dreams of grabbing that first elusive crown dissolve away yet again.
I stand before you today, still empty handed. Has this turn of events broken my will to live? Yes. But itâs also filled me with a Zuko-like quest to regain the honor I feel Iâve lost.
