Sucks to be in Cleveland

The Rust Belt got another karate kick in the jimmy when native Ohioan LeBron James, who never went to college, saw everyone who never made it out of that dead-ass town and said “That’s not going to be me.”

So ends the greatest orgy of narcissism in American sports history, and since this is both America and the NBA we’re talking about, that says a ton. It’s breathtaking to realize this decision, which fundamentally amounts to a phone call to accept a job, required the stage management of a nationally televised special for which special ads were created, like it was the Super Bowl.

Good luck, LeBron. There ain’t enough Bondo in the world that’s going to fix the dent your legacy just took today. Not only did you jilt noble, downtrodden, blue collar underdog Cleveland for the fake tans, fake tits and fake riches of South Beach, you had to make it into a very special episode for Thursday night, like the time Michael J. Fox got hooked on over-the-counter amphetamines for Family Ties

Hum a few bars of that, or any of these topics:

In the U.K. a rash of laundry-line thefts of panties worried the neighborhood. A pervert cat is responsible.

The Baseball Furies, Boppers, and Van Cortlandt Rangers got nothing on these gangs. Snagged that from Reddit, which paused – just briefly, maybe just long enough to take one deep breath – before resuming the rage about Battle.net’s Real ID.

Georgia – the one in Europe, not the U.S. south – says a woman there just turned 130 years old. “Although Khvichava has difficulty walking and has stayed largely in bed during the past seven years, she makes a point of hobbling unaided to the outhouse on the other side of the yard, loathe to be a nuisance.” Hell yes, grandma still don’t need no help taking care of business.

Edit: The original headline was a poor choice of words and a cheap shot to people who did nothing to deserve it. Though the metaphor in the lede is apt. Thus the headline change.