The Diary of a One Piece Virgin

I know next to nothing about One Piece. In fact, going into the newest Dynasty Warriors game, One Piece: Pirate Warriors, the only One Piece related thing I had seen was the movie Episode of Chopper Plus: Bloom in the Winter, Miracle Cherry Blossom on a date back in 2008. The only things I remember about that movie are 1) Luffy is a poor man’s Mr. Fantastic and 2) literally everyone in the entire theater was bawling—well, everyone except me anyway.

So when word came down that I’d be playing One Piece: Pirate Warriors, I thought, “Well, I haven’t played a Dynasty Warriors game since Dynasty Warriors 3 and I’m pretty ambivalent to One Piece, so what’s the worst that could happen?”

Clearly, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. One Piece, especially in this massively abridged form, is one of the flat out craziest things I have ever experienced. It is mind-bogglingly random and nothing has a logical explanation.

Need specifics? Then check out my notes below and share in the insanity of One Piece: Pirate Warriors from my “newcomer” point of view.

1 Minute
I’m fighting some oddly proportioned giant robotic guy who seems to be dressed vaguely like a panda.

1 Minute, 15 Seconds
…Who’s now shooting LASERS AT ME! I thought this was supposed to be about pirates!

5 Minutes
So I was always under the impression that this was a children’s series. Though judging by Nami’s ample cleavage and insanely low-cut top, I’m starting to think I may have been misinformed.

15 Minutes
After wading through hordes of actual pirate-looking enemies, I have come to the boss: a male pirate dressed as a clown—with blue hair done up in pigtales.

15 Minutes, 30 Seconds
And apparently I have just made a new friend. Hell why have two swords when you can have three? We’ll just put the third one in our teeth and call it a day shall we?

16 Minutes
So I hit the boss so hard he exploded and now all the pieces are flying back to recombine like he’s some kind of pirate-clown Voltron.

25 Minutes
How do you beat a man whose body can come apart and fly around? Wrap his body parts in a bundle and then throw his head very very far away over a large body of water. …Tell me why we’re the good guys again? I mean we were stealing this guy’s treasure map and beating up his men for no reason after all….

26 Minutes
A squad of pirate chefs…. Not the oddest thing I’ve seen today.

26 Minitues 30 Seconds
I can’t tell for sure, but I think this chef has grown his nose hairs to chest length and then braided them to create a pseudo-mustache.

27 Minutes
Wouldn’t wearing platemail on a ship be the dumbest thing ever? Seriously, if you fall overboard in a storm or something, you’re on a one way trip to the bottom of the ocean.

30 Minutes
I noticed that Luffy has a six-pack, but does it actually exist? I mean the man can stretch his skin to any size or shape. Moreover, he’s rail thin despite eating like a glutton. I’m tempted to think he just uses his powers to reshape his abs to make himself look buff.

35 Minutes
As armor-clad pirates and pirate-chefs square off, a laser cuts the ship they’re fighting on in half (and then in thirds).

36 Minutes
Oh did I say lasers? Apparently, I was mistaken. It was a guy in a rowboat with a giant cross shaped sword. Really, he looks exactly like the love child of Jesus and Zoro.

45 Minutes
So after a heated boss battle, we knock the armor guy out over the ocean. And instead of letting him drown, we shatter his armor and then put him on the deck of a broken ship so he can—I assume—come back and bother us again sometime?

50 Minutes
So it seems the boss of this stage is a “pirate”—I use the term quite loosely now—who has a shark fin, long pointed teeth, and a nose as phallic as it is jagged…and the first introduction is him manhandling a girl. Oh no, there’s absolutely no subtext here. None at all.

1 Hour, 10 Minutes
And now there’s a mini-boss with six arms covered in suction cups. …I knew we’d get to tentacles eventually, I just didn’t expect it to be this soon.

1 Hour, 27 Minutes
I have now broken the shark pirate’s “nose” to stop him from attempting to stick it over and over into my sweet gummy flesh.

Wow… That was only the first three levels… I fought cyborgs, magic clowns, Zoro-Jesus, and an anthropomorphized octopus-man in a series purportedly about pirates hunting for treasure. I worry the true insanity is yet to come. But one thing is for sure, I feel I understand far less about One Piece now than I did going in.