The Glamourous Life

The Internet has eliminated guys’ rite-of-passage shame of avoiding eye contact while a clerk takes his time ringing up a glossy magazine with impossibly shaped hot women on the cover. Unless it’s Glamour, in which I appear this month.

From the 12 Naughty Sex Questions You’ve Been Dying To Ask to 29 Best Beauty Buys This Minute, Glamour doesn’t put any of the good stuff online. That also goes for my answer to a real-people Q&A, written by a colleague who works for them. So if I wanted to see my picture in the nation’s leading sex, fashion & relationships periodical, I had to buy the hard copy.

You don’t just so-what flip a 420-page women’s magazine (“Biggest issue in 20 years!”) on the counter like you’re buying batteries. You can’t really disguise it in a pile of groceries either. I just decided to own the moment. I bought Glamour alongside a giant Hillshire Farms summer sausage and a six-pack of Hamm’s tallboys. I have to figure that kind of receipt is unprecedented in the history of grocery stores.

“You’re not going to believe me if I tell you I’m buying this because I’m in it, are you,” I asked “Chris,” the clerk.

“No,” Chris said.

“Look man, I’m just making sure I was quoted correctly.”

Anyway, I can confirm I’m indeed in there, on page 286 of the September 2010 issue (the first time J-Lo’s ever been on the cover of a magazine with me in it.) What did I say? What’s the subject? Fuck you, y’all get to go buy it. Can’t wait to hear your excuses and side items. C’mon, it’s got the 12 naughty sex questions you’ve been dying to ask.