This week marks my third anniversary with Kotaku, spending all of that as the siteās weekend editor. On my third weekend here, my brother Fletch and I unloaded this post ā āTwo Brothers Meditating Upon Questions of Pac-Man,ā originally published April 19, 2008. A hypothetical calculation of Pac-Manās, er, metabolic functions, it became one of Kotakuās all-time humor classics. Itās re-presented here, updated for the siteās current design, with a gallery now featuring two alternate, unpublished images.
ā¢ ā¢ ā¢
My brother, Fletch, and I were 8 and 6 years old, respectively, when Pac-Man debuted. As this IM conversation demonstrates, to this day we approach the game with the same wide-eyed curiosity and emotional maturity as we did in 1980.
Tuesday, April 15
10:01:53 AM Owen: hey, pac-man question: how big were the dots and the energizers, in pixels
10:02:08 AM Fletch: You mean on the original video game screen?
10:02:16 AM Owen: yeah, 2Ć2 for dots, and roughly 8Ć8 for the energizers?
10:02:20 AM Fletch: i guess. I donāt have bionic graphic measurement powers
10:02:37 AM Owen: Iām trying to figure how big a shit Pac-Man would take after one board.
(youāve been warnedā¦)
10:03:15 AM Fletch: Isnāt this begging the rather obvious question of the location of pac-manās anus?
10:03:30 AM Owen: ā¦
10:04:21 AM Fletch: Iām betting Pac anatomy would confound human xenobiologists
10:04:24 AM Owen: o_O
http://lastchance.cc/gaming/bones/pac+mans-skull-261999.php%3C/a%3E%3C/p%3E
10:05:25 AM Fletch: dunno, never saw pac-crap
10:06:14 AM Owen: neither have i, stupe.
10:06:18 AM Fletch: do we assume Pacās GI tract is regālar? Getting enuf dietery fiber?
10:06:22 AM Owen: this is for mature, healthy, nonsmoking male pac-adult
10:06:30 AM Fletch: thatās the only way the word āmatureā ever gets into this conversation
10:07:00 AM Fletch: BRB
10:10:41 AM Fletch: OK, there are 266 dots on a screen
10:10:50 AM Fletch: roughly 2Ć2, so 4 pixels per dot
10:10:53 AM Owen: you google that?
10:11:00 AM Fletch: no- found a screeencap of the whole board at wikipedia, so I counted em
10:11:05 AM Owen: got damn you hardco
10:11:56 AM Fletch: nowait, I miscounted- thought the board was quadrilaterally symmetrical, but its only bilateral
10:12:05 AM Owen: O_o
10:12:30 AM Fletch: Ok dot count is 240- x 4 pixels is 960
10:12:38 AM Owen: alright, now the ghosts
10:12:47 AM Fletch: ghosts donāt count towards crap, they ghosts.
10:13:04 AM Owen: no, he consumes their ghost costume but not their eyeballs. itās roughage.
10:13:17 AM Fletch: THEY GHOSTS
10:13:30 AM Owen: āghost-monstersā according to teh cartoon
10:13:38 AM Fletch: Cartoon aināt canon
10:13:46 AM Owen: o_O
10:13:56 AM Owen: fine fuck the ghosts.
10:14:09 AM Fletch: damn straight. Now: energizers are 9Ć9- minus 12 for the corners, so thatās 69.
10:14:21 AM Fletch: x 4 equals 276
10:14:29 AM Owen: wat about cherries
10:15:07 AM Owen: you get two of those per board
10:15:08 AM Fletch: they aināt on my screengrab
10:15:16 AM Owen: well dammit find another
10:16:50 AM Fletch: OK 98 pixels for cherries x 2 is 196
10:17:05 AM Owen: OK so thatās 960 pixels for the dots, 276 for the energizers, 196 for the two fruit. i get 1432 pixels total consumed. now, letās say itās one of those high speed versions like we played at the pizza hut. so heās burning a ton of calories, and all of this stuff is super nutritious. and plus he reserves some that heāll convert to mass for when he goes supersize to chase blinky at the first intermission. so all but 25 pct is left in his intestines. that leaves:
10:17:25 AM Fletch: 358 pixel pac turd. letās say 360. whatās the square root of 360
10:17:34 AM Owen: uh ā¦
10:22:50 AM Owen Good went away
10:22:55 AM Fletch: ohfercrissake
10:22:56 AM Owen Good (auto response) I am away from my computer right now.
10:22:59 AM Owen Good came back
10:23:01 AM Owen: uhhhh ā¦ 11?
10:23:22 AM Fletch: 18.97, Mister Maf.
10:23:28 AM Owen: close enough
10:23:35 AM Fletch: so letās call it a square 19 pixels on each side
10:23:37 AM Fletch: now how big is pac. Iām betting he aināt that big
10:23:52 AM Owen: 16Ć16 at the max.
10:23:59 AM Fletch: 14Ć14. plus his butthole has to be only two or three pixels wide
10:24:09 AM Owen: owwwwwwwwwww
10:24:30 AM Fletch: so it aināt gonna come out square, itās going to be a big long squirt-dookie
10:24:35 AM Owen: ( O ) ___ ( o)
Wednesday, April 16
From: Fletch [redacted]
Date: Wed, Apr 16, 2008 at 1:32 PM
Subject: Re: conversation
To: Owen Good [redacted]
attachments:
To scale, pixel for pixel. Nearly 2x Pac-Manās mass.
Note the reddened, chafed Pac-butt.
This must be why the ghosts have to walk slowly through the tunnel.
Later that day
13:40:28 PM Owen: lol blinkyās allĀ !!! omfg
13:40:33 PM Fletch: thanx
13:40:45 PM Owen: so i was trying to figure
13:40:49 PM Owen: what would the menās room look like after one round of Tapper
13:40:52 PM Fletch: I have to go now.
