The Year, NSFW

Some year-end retrospectives play out to the accompaniment of a tinkly piano. Others to a cheese-cloth montage. Our subject here plays out to strains of bow-chicka-bow-bow and the censor bars. It’s Kotaku’s Year, NSFW. (Warning, NSFW, duh.)

Heavy Rain is Light on Clothing: Midway through the PS3 thriller Heavy Rain, Kotaku reader kuroner declined a kiss from female lead Madison Page, one that ordinarily triggers a steamy love scene. No matter, Madison still got nekkid – for the rest of the game. Playable, too, as this video shows. Happily, the nude bomb affects only her and not Ethan, or Scott. Or the clown.

https://lastchance.cc/nsfw-heavy-rain-glitch-brings-playable-accidental-nud-5483372%3C/a%3E%3C/p%3E

Mafia II is Watching You Masturbate: Mafia II’s period-piece aesthetics extended to the game’s unlockables, a collection of 50 vintage Playboy centerfolds. Some of these were unsafe for Japan (which, despite all of its unaccountably weird fetishes, can’t show bush.) The game’s stats include a timer counting down how much time you spend gazing at boobies from the 1950s and 1960s. And you can’t say you were spending that time reading the articles, either.

https://lastchance.cc/all-50-playboy-centerfolds-of-mafia-ii-5635509%3C/a%3E%3C/p%3E

Kinect-the-Dongs: Kinect arrived in November, and proved that for every advancement in technology, man’s first instinct is to create porn with it. Shortly after the device was hacked and open-source drivers became available, sex game maker ThriXXX showed off a fondling simulator that skeeved pretty much everyone and threw local television reporters into predictable hysterics. Microsoft quickly stepped in to assure everyone such a game would never see the light of day on the Xbox 360. ThriXXX is still eyeballing Kinect support for its PC lineup.

https://lastchance.cc/is-this-kinects-first-sex-game-or-is-it-just-the-creep-5713944%3C/a%3E%3C/p%3E

The hijinks didn’t start or end there, though. Once Dance Central hit the living room, folks realized that the game takes pictures of your performance – even if you play it in the nude. And the sex tech website Slashdong did pioneering research in the field of Kinect penis recognition, finding it can’t recognize a dildo the length of the average schlong (5.75 inches). So those of us with rolling pin-sized cocks must wait for Microsoft to detect more subtle protrusions of male equipment before we get the FPFer we deserve.

https://lastchance.cc/two-important-questions-about-playing-kinect-naked-5683022%3C/a%3E%3C/p%3E

Videos Worth a Thousand (Four-Letter) Words: NSFW isn’t just T&A. It’s also wirty dords like shit, fuck, and “bitch, eat that ho.” “Snickers” took it to some next-level shit with this two-minute jeremiad about bitches, hos, ho asses and ass hoes. Fahey called the ball perfectly: “I swear at one point he starts remixing his own profanity on the fly, while playing Street Fighter. Now that’s talent.” Not to be outdone, Team Fortress 2 enthusiast ChoZo went on this 10-minute tirade that included the first ever usage of “rape banner.” Oxford’s English Dictionary is sure to come calling now. For in-game swearing, after seeing this video (above) by Rooster Teeth, Guinness World Records certified Mafia II as the video game with the most instances of “fuck” (or any of its permutations) in its script.

https://lastchance.cc/team-fortress-2-video-meet-the-f-bomber-update-5612922%3C/a%3E%3C/p%3E

The Notorious S.M.A.L.L. For some reason, in the middle of a viral spot for Def Jam Rapstar, wrestling icon Hulk Hogan decided to yank up his nuthuggers and flash the camera. Censor bars thankfully spared everyone – Hulk included – from the image. Steroids, I hear they do emasculating things.

https://lastchance.cc/hulk-hogan-plays-def-jam-rapstar-flashes-his-junk-5680580%3C/a%3E%3C/p%3E

Mario Kart Meets Erotic Asphyxiation This is a guy sealed inside a plastic bag playing Mario Kart. What else is there to say?

Crush My Feelings: Back in the spring, GameCrush launched, offering its roster of “attractive,” “ladies” for one-on-one gameplay sessions ranging from $6 to $8.25. GameCrush’s lasses broke down into categories “Flirty” and “Dirty,” snagging 1,200 “PlayDates” within the first week of launch, and furthering the cause of gamer gender equality by spreading the idea that all girls who play Modern Warfare 2 want to screw your brains out. For money.

Alright, Privates! Pioneering studio Zombie Cow boldly took platform shooters where, uh, many men have ventured before, I suppose – an infected vagina. Nominally figleafed as educational on the subjects of sexual health and promiscuity, Privates’ first five levels revealed it was, well, the clinical term is “gross.” Unsurprisingly, Xbox Live Arcade refused to certify the game, and so it went off to PC-release-only-land. Slated for release next year, Zombie Cow has promised some penis-themed levels in its first DLC extension.

https://lastchance.cc/watch-us-play-with-our-privates-5605786%3C/a%3E%3C/p%3E