Girlās RPG: Cinderellife is the newest game by Level-5. Far from the puzzle solving of Professor Layton or the giant armored suits of White Knight Chronicles, this title is directed toward the female gamer demographicājust as the name suggests. But what exactly is a āGirls RPG,ā I wondered. Is it about a strong female protagonist, trying to make it in a manās world? Or is it a more stereotypical girlās tale about princesses, unicorns, and evil witches? Despite having one too many Y-chromosomes (or one too few X-chromosomes as the case may be), I decided I had to find out. But nothing could have possibly prepared me for what Girlās RPG: Cinderellife really is: a game romanticizing the life of a Japanese hostess. So please, join me in this insanity as I share with you my notes of the first hour of gameplay.
00:00 The title screenāmade entirely out of varying shades of pinkāstarts with the theme song asking questions like āHow can she be so beautiful?ā and āIsnāt everyone else jealous?ā and stating that āher beauty will bring happiness to the world.ā Remember, girls: outward beauty is the most important thing.
00:30 The warning message (and all other text in the game, actually) shows the phonetic reading for all the Kanji (Chinese characters), proving this is indeed a game aimed at young children. Not teens or adultsābut impressionable young girls.
02:00 Oh goodie, time for character creation. Letās see, my possible choices of body type are: 1) Anorexic and flat 2) anorexic and busty, 3) thin and flat, and 4) thin and busty. Remember, girls: No fatties allowed.
03:00 Apparently this guy on the jumbotron went from being a normal high school student to a billionaire CEO in just one year. Now his greatest goal is searching for the beautiful legendary ābutterfly of happiness.ā Young, hot, and rich? I smell a love interest!
05:00 Oh but how can a plain girl like me ever compare to these beautiful hostesses? I mean, I have pig tails and straight black hair! Truly so very ugly. No make-over could ever makeĀ ::gasp-sob:: me beautiful!
06:00 Alright. So far in this game, Iāve been āpropositionedā to work for a hostess club and now live and work in a flower shop.
15:00 Oh no you guys, my characterās cell phone totally has Twitter. If it has Tumblr too, I may never progress in this game.
18:00 My character has just discovered the hostesses she met earlier were in fact hostesses and not professional models like she had assumed. Also, men frequenting the hostess club seem to be the majority of my flower shopās customer base. Poor deluded sapsā¦ Welp, off to the club to deliver some roses!
21:00 On the main street, I just passed an Irish pub called āBar Never Knows.ā
25:00 In the clubānamed āCastleā just in case we needed to make the modern-day Cinderella clichĆ© clearerāmy character has come across an old high school friend. She is now telling my character all about the romantic life of working in a hostess clubāwhich, as far as I always understood it, is pretending to be interested in a guy while getting him drunk on very expensive sake. I donāt think my definition matches hersā¦.
26:00 ā¦And now ājust for funā theyāve hoed me up like a hostess. How nice of them. M-Maybe I can actuallyĀ ::gasp:: be beautiful!?
27:00 So Iāve been left all alone in these expensive clothes and now have to enter the ballroom. But isnāt that where all the male customers are? I can sense a misunderstanding coming.
28:00 The āPrincessā of the āCastleā just entered the main ballroom. Apparently, men orgasm at the mere sight of her. Women, on the other hand, turn lesbian and THEN orgasm at the sight of her.
30:00 A rich foreign (read: white) guy, recently come to Japan, has decided to be my escort for the evening. My first actual choice in the game is A) complementing his Japanese, B) offering to show him around, or C) asking him what heās seen so far. I chose the Japanese stereotypical reaction and complemented his Japaneseā¦ it was the right answer.
31:00 The more of these conversations I do, the more I see that I should just agree with whatever he says. Remember, girls: donāt be yourself, present yourself as whatever men want you to be.
36:00 WTF! The Princess just cockblocked me! (or whatever the female equivalent may be). Here I am, in the middle of a conversation mini game, and she sends a butler over to interrupt and demand to speak with my date. It is SO on!
36:15 Um, wow. The Princess has both a crown and little roses literally blooming off of her at all times. Iā¦ I donāt know how to compete with that.
40:00 Welp, I did so well pretending to be a hostess that the club is offering me a gift: The chance to do it again, of course!
41:00 So, at this point, they are offering me the choice of becoming a hostess or not. I wonder if picking ānoā at this point is really an option. Only one way to find out.
41:30 Selecting āI donāt want to beā starts a conversation loop where everyone peer-pressures me into joining. Remember girls: if ever you feel hesitant about making yourself into a sex object for men, just be sure to let your friends force you into it. Surely they know better than you. *Note: if you say no a second or third time, it just keeps looping.
47:00 Wow! Now thatās a sudden change. Iām currently watching a pair of scientists examining a giant glowing crystal and containers full of butterflies in their search for the ābutterfly of happiness.ā
55:00 I like how in the game hostesses arenāt called hostesses; theyāre called āNeogennuāāa made-up word that means nothing but sounds foreign. Itās like calling a prostitute a āIminashiā and expecting that to quash any moral implications.
58:00 My high school friend just came by and gave me a $500 signing bonus so I can go buy a new dress. Letās get our shopping on!
1:00:00 But do I really have the hips for this? I just donāt knowā¦
Girlās RPG: Cinderellife was released in Japan on March 8, 2012 for the Nintendo 3DS. There is currently no word on an international release.
