Itâs easy. Because itâs the only game on this list thatâs about sex and politics.
Most others are about killing. And donât get me wrong, as head of a medieval dynasty, there will be the blood of thousands on your hands when your game is done.
But in Crusader Kings II, unlike most other gamesâits strategy brethren especiallyâthe wholesale murder of your enemies is but a sideshow. A diversion. The hammer you break out when all other approaches to victory have failed.
This is a game that, at first glanceâand Iâm extending that time period out to your first 2-4 hours with itâseems like a cold, number-driven strategy game. Something only grognards can enjoy, in between tabletop wargame sessions and forum arguments over the finer points of Napoleonâs invasion of Russia.
And to be fair to first glances, it is. This is a Paradox grand strategy game, one that doesnât just crunch numbers, it grinds them to dust, sprinkles them across 11,715 buttons and menu options and feasts on them. Itâs an intimidating game to come to grips with, in no small part because Paradox are so terrible at tutorials, and almost as bad at creating intuitive user interfaces.
Stick with it, though, and my. Oh my. What begins as a blind exercise in clicking things and getting your ass kicked all over Europe slowly begins to blossom. You start to realise what those little âlustfulâ and âdeceitfulâ character traits on every character mean. You realise that the marriage system is an entire mechanic built into the game, not some pointless piece of window dressing. It clicks that, outside you own little fiefdom, the game is populated by every single noble, religious figure and courtier across Europe (and most of the Middle East).
In short, you realise that this isnât a game about war, or empires, or money, or some pre-anointed goal you must achieve to be the âwinnerâ.
Itâs a game about people. And the relationships between them.
You donât play Crusader Kings II as some disembodied hand, guiding the fate of a people. You play as, literally, a character within the world, part of a medieval dynasty. You can marry. Have kids. Send them off to be educated. Educate them yourself. Choose your own council. Assassinate people. Arrest people. Chop the head off the people you arrested. Arrest their kids, who revolt after you chopped their fatherâs head off. Ask the Pope to excommunicate them. Arrange your kidâs marriages. You can even invite people over for dinner.
Every time you do one of these things, your relationships with people change, sometimes for the better, sometimes for the worse. Theyâll remember your past betrayals, and respect your past achievements. So aside from juggling the economy and the military of a Kingdom, youâll be spending as much (if not more) of your time juggling politics.
And itâs amazing. Itâs not until youâre knee-deep in ass-kissing and horse-trading (well, daughter-trading) that you realise, in all likelihood, youâve never done something like this before. At least not something like this that works. And it really does work. Sure, itâs based on numbersâquite literally, with each character screen giving you two numerical values, one reflecting anotherâs opinion of you, the other, your opinion of themâbut those numbers are just the gameâs way of communicating the complexity of the relationships, and you soon overlook them, reading past the values and seeing the overall feelings and sentiments driving them.
From the mightiest empire to the lowliest county, youâll need to keep tabs on those closest to you, lest someone sneak in one night and poison you. Or stab you. Either or. If they do, well, itâs game over.
Oh, wait, itâs not. Because this is Crusader Kings II weâre talking about here, and itâs smarter than that.
When I said youâre playing as part of a dynasty, that was only partially true. You are, but youâre actually in control of the dynasty itself. So when your first character dies, provided they have a dynastic heirâwhether that be a child or close family memberâyou take over as them, assuming control of not only a new character, but all their own personality traits, history, family and, most important of all, relationships.
Say youâre the King of England. Youâre loved in all corners of the land. But then, one day, you fall from your horse and are suddenly killed. Your son takes over, you think everything is gravy, but then⊠oh dear. Turns out your son is a homosexual, something jealous enemies can blackmail him (well, you, now) over. Youâre a coward. A weak ruler. Your wife, probably because of the whole sexual orientation thing, wonât give you heirs.
Before you know it, a once-happy Kingdom is in turmoil as power-hungry nobles attempt to overthrow you. You scrape your armies together, begin to crush the rebellion, advance on the final enemy, and then⊠youâre killed on the battlefield. Your combat statistics werenât as good as your dadâs, you see. You take control of your sole heir (who you suspected was someone elseâs kid anyway, since he was born while you were off fighting), a kid whose regent is even more incompetent than the last King, and before you know it, the throne is lost. Youâve gone from control of one of the mightiest Kingdoms in Europe to lording it over a few crummy towns.
This should be game over. Or at least the point where you chuck it in, realising that thereâs no hope of victory from here. Only⊠remember, there is no victory. And thereâs 400 years of history to play through. Itâs entirely possibleâand I know, because Iâve done itâto go from a King to a nobody and back to a King again in a few hundred years, courtesy of a slow and methodical game of revenge, of marrying the right people, cutting the right peopleâs throats, climbing your way slowly up the ladder of political power.
That scenario I just described? With heroism, tragedy, intrigue and scandal? Itâs just one story. From one game. In a complete playthrough of 400 years of European history, from the Norman invasion of England through to the 15th century, youâll encounter dozens more. Start your next game, even if itâs in the exact same place, and itâll be a whole new experience. Start it somewhere else on the map and itâll be even more different still.
My favourite games of all time are normally those where Iâm given the tools to craft my own narrative. Where the progression of a game creates tyrants, allies and everyone in between. Itâs why I love games like Civilization and the Total War series.
But Iâve never played a game that lets me revel in my own stories quite like this one. It doesnât just paint in broad brush strokes, dealing with matters on a national (or global) level. Because of the emphasis on characters, and the wonderful way it implements them, youâre playing through full-blown epic tales, which donât just deal with the rise and fall of empires, but all the sex, love, friendship and betrayal thatâs driving them.
In my review of the game earlier this year, I said â Itâs like being the Game of Thronesâ. Which is about the best way I can sum up my experience playing it. Those books (and accompanying TV show) are so popular because they marry the big picture with the small. The clashes of armies are just as important as clashes in the court or the bedroom, and by pinning a grand strategy game on your relationships with people, Crusader Kings II does just as good a job as George R R Martin has. Even if Paradoxâs game doesnât have any dragons.
https://lastchance.cc/crusader-kings-ii-the-kotaku-review-5886773%3C/a%3E%3C/p%3E
Note: I canât talk about Crusader Kings II, or Song of Ice and Fire, without mentioning the amazing A Game of Thrones mod. If you own CKII, you need to get this. If you donât, and my words here havenât swayed you, then it should. Get it here
https://lastchance.cc/the-perfect-game-of-thrones-game-is-a-pc-mod-5913709%3C/a%3E%3C/p%3E
The writers of Kotaku are nominating nine games for 2012 Game of the Year. The nominations will be posted throughout the first week of January. The winner of our staff vote being announced on the Monday following and that game will be our 2012 GOTY, shifting 2011 GOTY Portal 2 a little further down our imaginary trophy shelf. Read all of our 2012 nominations, as theyâre posted.
