Hello all you Twitternet meat hordes, and welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating advice column whose pre-orders are only available at 1 AM.
This week, itâs all about sex: who wants it, who doesnât, where to find it and whether deciding to wait on it is a losing proposition when it comes to dating. What are the best practices when it comes to finding a no-strings attached hook-up? (Weâve covered this ground in the past, but itâs a common question.) Is deciding to wait until marriage going to make it harder to find dates?
Youâre going to be waiting in line at GameStop anyway, so itâs time to shine up the old brown shoes and put on a brand new shirt. Letâs do this thing:
Dear Doc,
I would like to get laid more often, but I donât know how.
I didnât have sex in high school, I barely had sex in college, and while Iâm more active now, itâs not nearly as frequent as I would like it to be. I have a high sex drive which makes it tough to deal. I âtake careâ of myself as much as I can within reason, but sometimes you just need to tango with a partner.
Hereâs my real problem though: Iâm terrible at casual sex, by which I mean Iâm terrible at making it happen. I suck at Tinder and Bumble (I didnât know guys could even suck at Bumble but I found a way), and I canât ever seem to seal the deal in clubs or parties. Iâm not really eye candy, and I have trouble standing out and making an impression in those scenarios. Iâm a conversationalist, and I usually come across better in talking scenarios. Problem is, the type of people who are into one night stands or casual sex typically hang out in clubs or on Tinder, where my game is wack. Iâve thought about taking to Craigslist but Iâve had very little luck there finding casual situations that donât require a âdonationâ.
Meanwhile I need it bad and I have no idea what to do about it. Am I just going to have to get better at standing out in clubs? Do I need to boost my Tinder profile? Or is there a way for me to meet like minded people where Iâm in my element?
Sincerely,
Needs it bad
Alright, NIB, I have a question for you: are you looking for a no-strings attached hook-up (or series of hook-ups), or are you hoping for something tonight? Because right now it seems like youâre conflating the two and thatâs a mistake.
Thereâs a difference between casual sex in general and one-night stands. Casual sex is just sex without the expectation of a committed relationship. Women whoâre up for a casual hook-up arenât necessarily going to be up for a one-night stand and people whoâre up for one-night stands may want relationships.
The mistake youâre making is that youâre asking about âwhereâ, when you should really be asking âwhy.â Specifically: why would a woman be interested in hooking up with you? Because, quite frankly, women whoâre interested in casual sexâwhether itâs a one-off hook-up or a fuckbuddy relationshipâare everywhere. Theyâre not just on Tinder or at the club or at singles bars. Theyâre on OKCupid. Theyâre at Barnes and Noble. Theyâre at that subdued house-party with the red wine and hummus. Theyâre standing in line with you for your morning latte. Women are just as into casual sex as men are. Itâs just that most of the time, their potential partners are turning them off.
Everyoneâs heard of the Clarke/Hatfield studyâthe one that had attractive research assistants approaching members of the opposite sex on college campuses and asking âWould you like to go to bed with me?â Almost every guy approached by women would say âhell yes,â because this is how pornos start. Almost every woman approached by men said âhell NOâ⊠not because they, as a gender, are averse to foolinâ around but because dick coming out of the clear blue skyâor out of a dating appâis generally not dick theyâre going to want
Sex has risks for women that it simply doesnât have for men, from pregnancy to an increased risk of sexually-transmitted infections and sexual assault to old-fashioned slut-shaming. When you control for those risks, then womenâs interest in maybe banging out with a stranger rise. Scientists at the University of Mainz found that when their physical safety and privacy was assured, women were far more interested in some NSA nookie
But itâs more than just being safe â the sex needs to be worth it. Dr. Terri Conley found that the more skilled a woman perceived her potential paramour to be, the more likely she would be to hook up with him. Guys, after all, are almost guaranteed to orgasm during sex. Hetero women⊠arenât. In fact, less than 68% of straight women achieve orgasm during penetrative sex and that number goes down during one-night stands. There are a lot of guys who see sex with a stranger and think âwell, since Iâm not going to see her again, thereâs no need to put in any effort.â And then, just to add the lime kiss of âfuck youâ to offset the bottom-shelf jug tequila of lousy sex, some guys will turn around and call her a whore for letting him sleep with her.
Small wonder why a lot of women arenât that inclined to fuck Johnny Rando. The sex just isnât going to be good enough to make it worth taking the chance. And frankly, a lot of dudes advertise that they suck at sex. Guys who âflirtâ by turning every conversation sexual, who use high-pressure tactics from whatever dodgy subreddit they turned to, even the fedora-tipping Mâlady-ing Nice Guys are all proudly displaying their lack of bedroom skills like the tail of the saddest peacock in the word.
Apps like OKCupid and Tinder arenât much better. Allow me to illustrate the common experience that women have as soon as they open an online dating app:
Whether itâs in person or online, those are all great indicators that the guy couldnât care less about the person theyâre trying to hook up with; they just see her as a convenient hole for their pole. And while there will be times when people are cool with being objectified, having somebody signal âI see you as an animated Real Dollâ is a pretty good indication that the sex is going to be fucking awful.
Considering how many of those same dudes will immediately turn around and yell about how sheâs old/fat/ugly/a whore and they wouldnât fuck her with a borrowed dick⊠well, thatâs less of a the offer of a hook-up and more 5 minutes that sheâll never get back.
This brings us back to you, NIB. Now that you know a little about why women do â and donât â say yes to casual sex, letâs make an action plan for you. The first thing is that you need to change your focus a little. Youâre going to find women whoâre up for a casual relationship⊠but youâre going to do it differently than you had been before.
Start with ditching clubs and bars. Yeah, thereâre people whoâre open to hooking up there, but if you arenât comfortable in that environment, youâre gonna have a miserable time and thatâs going to salt your game. Youâll do better at parties â not raging keggers, but lower key get-togethers thatâll play to your strengths. You know you do better when you can talk, so prioritize meeting women in places where you can have conversations.
You should also prioritize OKCupid over Tinder. While Tinder may have the reputation of a hook-up app, OKCupid also has plenty of people who are interested in casual sex and is structured in a way that lets you connect with people over more than just your pictures.
The next thing that youâre going to do is focus less on getting laid right then and there. Yeah, I know youâre horny and your junk is screaming ânownownownowâ but a little time and care is going to serve you far better than rushing things, especially if youâre not experienced with getting same-night hook-ups.
A woman may well be up for hooking up with someone without wanting to date, but that doesnât necessarily mean that she wants to bone within an hour of meeting. Even someone who is openly and explicitly looking for casual sex isnât going to appreciate somebody who treats her like a sex ATM. The dudes who open a Tinder conversation with âCan I fuck your tits?â, the ones who slide into DMs asking for nudes and the grabby bros at bars are all trying to speed-run getting laid and thatâs part of whatâs turning women off.
You need to give her a little time to feel comfortable with you and decide that sheâs interested in going to bed with you. Sometimes that can take as little as 20 minutes. Sometimes that can take a day or twoâor a couple dates.
So you need to slow your roll a bit. Going on a date or two and getting to know her as a person is going to work a lot better for you than trying to glitch your way to the final stage right from the jump. Date, flirt in a low-key manner, have an amazing date (or dates) and let her get to know you as an awesome, fun guy. The guy who makes her feel good in general is going to be someone who sheâs going to want to spend time with⊠including naked time.
(Just remember: exciting beats pleasant when it comes to dates. This means that âdinner and a movieâ is not on the table. Go for a bike ride. Race go-karts. Do something fun that gets your heart-rate up.)
And while youâre at it: put some effort into yourself. There is a lot of surprisingly simple things that you can do that make you sexier. A guy who dresses like he just got off work at Best Buy isnât going to be sending up the Studly GoodNight signal, nor is someone whoâs doused himself in Axe. Presentation is a big part of showing that youâre worth banging.
TL;DR: a little less focus on âTake Me Home Tonightâ and a little more on connecting with people. It may not be as immediate as trying to get a hook-up in a dingy club bathroom, but youâll have a better success rate⊠and better sex overall.
Good luck.
Hey Doc Nerdlove,
First off, let me say Iâm a fan of your column. I read it whenever it posts, and you usually have good information and alternate perspectives I wouldnât have considered on my own. I think you do a good job, and if nothing else, itâs entertaining.
With regard to that, I think I have a problem, and Iâm wondering if you could provide some insight to help me out. Some pertinent information about me: Iâm your standard heterosexual dude, in my late 20s. I have a good job and career outlook, am financially comfortable, own my home, and have a couple of nice vehicles. I was raised as a Southern gentleman, do my utmost to always present myself as such, and I consider myself reasonably attractive, at least as far as mainstream conventions would have you think. Iâm happy with who I am, and near as I can tell Iâm the textbook definition of mental health.
All sounds good and well in order, right? Hereâs the thing: Iâm still a virgin, and Iâm almost positive itâs crippling my love life, to the point of killing it outright. I donât have a problem getting a date (I do the online thing). I have a problem with maintaining a womanâs interest, and after careful introspection of every other facet of my personality, life situation, and mannerisms, I have to conclude my lack of sexual experience is the issue. Shortly after the subject of sex is broached with someone, whenever that may be, and I talk about myself, things always taper off one way or another. Most often all contact will simply drop off, which is preceded by the woman expressing discomfort or disbelief about my status. Iâve never had someone tell me explicitly âI wonât date you because youâre a virginâ, but thatâs the only conclusion I can make.
Iâve been single for about 7 years now, alternating between periods of actively trying to date and putting romance aside for my job or hobbies. Lately Iâve been feeling pretty self conscious about it, what with 30 not too far away, and friends/family asking questions and making comments.
As to why Iâm a virgin, my ideas and opinions have changed over the years, but the most prevalent driving thought has always been that when (if?) I do get married, I want my wife to have everything I have to offer, including that small, special piece of me that is my first time. When I dredge up that memory in the future, I want to think about the woman I married, and no one else. I want to add a very clear caveat here in that I donât think less of anyone who is sexually active, regardless of circumstance. Thatâs your life, and Iâm not going to judge. A womanâs âhistoryâ, which is most certainly not my business anyway, is irrelevant to me, so long as sheâs genuinely interested in me.
My question to you, Doc, is what do you think about my perceived problem? Am I missing something about myself? Am I simply going about looking for someone the wrong way? Do I have a problem at all? I think empirical data would prove as much, but maybe itâs just all in my head?
Should I give up on the idea of saving myself altogether, and simply yield to the cultural norm in order to improve my odds? How would you say most people contextualize sex anyway; is it a legitimate physical need, or a means of emotional bonding, an expression of feeling, or perhaps something else? Iâd appreciate any help youâd be willing to provide, and in any case, if you actually read this, thanks for your time.
Yours Most Sincerely,
Lonely and Wondering
The issue isnât that youâre a virgin, LaW, the issue is why youâre a virgin. There are plenty of women out there whoâre ok with a guy whoâs a virgin â hell, there are some whoâre turned on by it. The fact that youâre wanting to wait until marriage thatâs the most likely culprit.
The first issue is that, frankly, dudes whoâre focused on waiting until marriage tend to have less than desirable attitudes about women and womenâs sexuality. Yeah, thatâs not you⊠but most women have encountered slut-shaming assholes or gone through âabstinence-onlyâ educational seminars and the association is going to turn them off faster than a cold sewage shower.
The second issue is that most people arenât going to want to wait. Sex and sexual compatibility are vital parts of a relationship. You ask if sex is a physical need, emotional bonding or an expression of emotion or something more; the answer is âyesâ. Itâs any single one of those and all of the above and more. Most people want to have sex with the person theyâre in a relationship with and theyâre going to see artificial limitations on it as a deal breaker.
Should you give up on your ideals? Thatâs up to you man. Literally every man Iâve ever known, only two were virgins until marriage (and frankly, one of them only squeaked in under a technicality).
If you want my strict opinion, I think itâs a poor decision to choose to wait. There is a lot about yourself, sexually, that you simply arenât going to know until youâve experienced it, and that knowledge is going to affect your relationship with your partner or partners. Neither will waiting until marriage ensure that this will be your only partner. You canât divorce-proof your relationship by waiting, nor does having sex before marriage (or engagement, for that matter) doom things. Plus: waiting until after your break-up requires lawyers is a bad time to find out that the two of you donât sync sexually.
Just as importantly: the fact that someone is your only partner or your hundredth isnât going to make them any more or less special, nor will it make you less special to them. There will be a lifetime of experiences thatâll make them stand out in your mind.
At the end of the day, choices have consequences, and only you can decide if those consequences are worth it. In your case, choosing to wait until marriage is going to drastically reduce your dating pool⊠like, to single digits. Fewer than 10% of women have not had premarital sex, and while their virginity may not matter to you, itâs also an indicator of how theyâre going to feel about your waiting.
If you want to stick to it, then youâre going to want to focus on women who share your views about virginity. Meeting women at church, religiously affiliated meet-ups and sites like Christian Mingle are going to be your best options; youâre far more likely to find women whoâll be OK with waiting than if youâre trying to shotgun your way through the general population.
But like I said, thatâs all up to you. Iâm not gonna lie: waiting until marriage means that youâre likely to be waiting a long time, my dude. If thatâs a price youâre willing to pay, then more power to you.
Good luck.
Do you have a one-night stand story to share? Were you a virgin until marriage? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. And meanwhile, weâll be back with more of your questions in two weeks.
Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotakuâs bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris OâMalley, AKA Dr. NerdLove. Got a question youâd like answered? Write[email protected] and put âKotakuâ in the subject line
Harris OâMalley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blogPaging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast. His new dating guide New Game+: The Geekâs Guide to Love, Sex and Dating is out now from Amazon, iTunes and everywhere fine books are sold He is also a regular guest at One Of Us
He can be found dispensing snark and advice on Facebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove
