Hello, Internet! Welcome to Ask Dr. NerdLove, the only dating advice column that managed to rescue Quickclaw and Rhonda in Pitfall II. Thatâs right! ATARI 2600, BABY.
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This week, one reader is getting tired of being constantly told heâs âtoo niceâ to date â so how does one become more exciting to potential partners? Meanwhile, another reader wants to know: how do you keep a relationship casual when all you wantâs a friend with benefits?
Ready to challenge yourselves? Letâs do this thing:
Hi Doc:
Iâm 25 years old and recently decided to get back into dating after taking a break for the past several months. Dating is tough for me, but I know that if I change a few key things, I could be successful.
What Iâve noticed about my interactions with women is that while the conversations themselves arenât bad or awkward, theyâre very flat, and it seems like girls donât find me âpsychologicallyâ interesting â basically, they think Iâm boring.
My female friends often tell me that Iâm âtoo niceâ and that I âneed to be more confidentâ, and Iâve realized that Iâm kind of the typical âNice Guyâ in this regard (which is bad) but my issue isnât the âfriendzoneâ, thereâs justâŚ.no zone. I believe in being open and honest with people, I donât try to manipulate women into liking me or having sex with me by playing head-games, but at the same time, I know Iâm failing because I donât present any sort of challenge to them.
Iâm okay on paper â Iâm not bad looking, I work out, wear clothes that fit my body shape, I have a pretty good job, Iâm finishing up my masters degree this semester, and I play the drums. Iâm pretty comfortable with who I am and what I want too, but I make a lot of mistakes, and I know that the way I approach women isnât enticing, sexy, or attractive. While I usually donât have a difficult time getting to know new people, even women, put me in front of an attractive girl and I completely fall apart. I donât have âgameâ and Iâm not a smooth talker, so when a girl actually gives me a chance, thereâs never any âhookâ.
Again, the conversation isnât bad or awkward per se, but I can tell when that girls are just being polite and waiting for me to go away â they never seem even remotely attracted to me. So while I think there are things about me that are interesting and that Iâm a good guy, simultaneously, I know that girls donât really care about any of that â they want someone who excites them, who makes them feel a certain way, and I donât do any of that. I donât know what to do, let alone how
Doc, please help!
Sincerely,
Boring and Easy
One of the things Iâve noticed a lot of guys do is that they give themselves a false dichotomy. They tend to assume that there are only two ways of interacting with women: being a passive nice guy (as opposed to a Nice Guyâ˘) or a manipulative, head-game playing shitbag. But being attractive and flirty doesnât mean being a Game-spewing player who tries to neg women and play cocky-funny status games, nor does being a good guy mean being duller than dry toast.
When women tell you that youâre too nice, what they really mean 9 times out of 10 is that youâre passive. You have a lot of attractive potential, but youâre presenting yourself in the dullest, most passive way possible. I suspect that when you talk to women youâre interested in, youâre terrified of making a mistake and accidentally offending them and, as a result, play things as safe as possible.
And therein lies the problem. When you play things too safely and take no risks then either you end up boring potential dates or convincing them that youâre not actually interested in them in the first place. You give them no material to work with; why should they be intrigued by you when what youâre giving them is this bland pablum?
This is part of why women seem to love assholes; it has nothing to do with âassholes get all the womenâ and everything to do with the fact that they know how to present themselves and they put themselves out there. Theyâre making a point to flirt, to be engaging and â critically â making a move. Thatâs part of why your friends are telling you that you need more confidence; youâre never going to get anywhere unless you take some risks.
Women arenât going to be interested in you unless they feel some chemistry â that spark of attraction that intrigues them both physically and emotionally. This means that you have to engage them on both levels. On the physical side, you have to be willing to flirt, to tease and to touch and build the tension between the two of you. Are you giving her strong eye-contact, or are you avoiding looking at her? Are you willing to banter a little, or are you being agreeable? Are you touching her â say, the back of your hand on her upper arm as you reach the emotional high-point of a funny story?
Part of physical chemistry is maintaining a push-pull dynamic; build up some excitement and then draw back. Think of a roller-coaster; the build-up of anticipation as you ratchet up to top what makes you crave the feel of that first drop. If all you have is the drop, you get desensitized and bored. At the same time, too much interest is as unexciting as too little interest. Itâs important to let her know that youâre interested in her romantically or sexually â ambiguity is an attraction killer â but if youâre going overboard with being available or wanting her to go out with you, youâre going to come across as needy and neediness is the anti-sex equation.
On the emotional side, you want to connect with her: what do you have in common? What should she like about you and what should you like about her? Are you relating to her on an emotional level? Are you making her laugh, making her excited, making her feel? Are you telling fun stories about your life? Are you connecting with her passions and sharing what youâre passionate about? Are you finding out what makes her tick and finding ways to show that you get her on that level?
Itâs important that you connect on both a physical and an emotional level. If youâve got nothing but physical chemistry, you risk them thinking youâre hot but not really worth it. If youâve got nothing but emotional chemistry, youâve found another BFF instead of a lover.
Now being flirty and generating chemistry doesnât mean that youâre being manipulative; it just means that you know how to interact with people in an attractive way. You arenât tricking them or pressuring them â youâre still being your authentic self. Youâre just showing them how awesome you are. If youâre not sure how you can be flirty, even sexual, without being a creep, then I might suggest studying one of the greatest nerd dating role models in genre entertainment: Captain Jack Harkness. Heâs sexual without being a creep, forward without being pushy and above all else: considerate and safe. Heâs the very model of the collaborative mindset when it comes to sex: âHereâs this awesome thing we can do togetherâ rather than the antagonistic âwhat do I have to do to get what I want?â
Hereâs the thing: I know damn good and well how nerve-wracking it can be to put yourself out there that openly. Youâre worried that youâll make mistakes and offend people⌠and in full honesty, yeah, youâre going to fuck up sometimes, especially while youâre learning.
But hereâs the trick: if you fuck up? Apologize. Not a âsorry but you took that wrongâ or âIâm sorry you were offendedâ non-apology but a sincere âIâm sorry I made a mistakeâ. The difference between a creeper and a cool guy who put his foot in his mouth is how he handles things after he fucked up.
Itâs going to take some time and practice to find the way to put yourself out there that syncs with your personality, B&E. But the more you work at it, the better youâll do.
Good luck.
Hey Doc,
Have a quick question for you. Iâm looking to get a Friends with Benefits situation, and so Iâm looking for girls that want the same thing. Met a girl on OKCupid, her profile says sheâs looking for Short Term dating. Sheâs a busy student. Seems good, right?
Had a first date where we talked for a long time, there was some connection there. I mentioned Iâm moving in a few months, though I didnât specifically say âso Iâm looking for something casual.â
Iâm trying to arrange date 2, and she seems up to it, but Iâm wondering when to tell her Iâm looking to be Friends with Benefits? Girls tend to see me as long-term-relationship guy, and I think it might have to do with the fact that I take so long to say things like this.
Do I just do something fun and flirty for a 2nd date, then at some point say âhey, youâre really fun, you know I wonât be here for too long, so how about we make this a friends with benefits thing?â We havenât kissed yet, so should I wait until weâve already done so?
(The other question is, how do I tease out of her if sheâs open to that sort of thing? I donât want to have a fun date, have her thinking âthis guy could be long term materialâ, then talk about short-term dating and she feels like sheâs somehow failed, or itâs a statement that Iâm not that into her).
Thanks,
J
First things first: if youâre looking for something casual, you have to present yourself as wanting something casual. Itâs better to be up front with this â it gives people who are looking for a long-term relationship the opportunity to opt-out as well as helps ensure that there arenât any mixed signals or misunderstandings.
One of the things that guys tend to do is give hints â either accidentally or intentionally â that theyâre open to a long-term relationship. Sometimes itâs simple ignorance; itâs easy to not see how youâre giving the wrong impression. Other times itâs straight manipulation â theyâre implying that they might want something long-term as a way of baiting women into something casual now.
For example: in online dating profiles guys will say something along the lines of ânot looking for anything serious, so letâs just see how it goesâ. This suggests that theyâre at least open to the potential of something long-term with the right person. Itâs understandable â being up front about only being interested in a no-strings-attached sexual relationship is going to turn off a lot of people and many guys donât want to limit their dating pool that way. However, being straightforward about only wanting something casual means that the people who do respond will be on the same page as you.
Another way people send the wrong signals is that when theyâre dating somebody, theyâll establish a relationship frame instead of a casual-dating one. When youâre taking someone on a romantic date â candlelit dinners, carriage rides in the park, etc. â youâre sending a different signal than if youâre, say, going bowling or swing-dancing. Similarly, they may talk about the future rather than staying in the now. When you start talking about future plans, unless youâre very specific youâre giving hints that you see your date sharing that future with you.
Donât get me wrong: Iâm not saying that romance is a bad thing or that you canât talk about things you might want to do beyond next weekend. However, if what youâre looking for is no- or low-commitment sex, thenprioritizing romance and intimacy is sending the wrong signal and is apt to end in confusion and hurt feelings.
Now with your specific situation, J, you want to keep things light. You want to focus on having fun, exciting and active dates â anything that gets the heart pumping and the blood flowing is going to be more arousing instead of inspiring feelings of intimacy and commitment.
Donât take it for granted that sheâs not going to want something casual. Youâve already told your date that you were moving soon. Unless she wasnât listening at all, you can assume that sheâs aware that thereâs no long-term potential here.
I wouldnât try to set ground-rules yet in any case â youâve only had one date and you havenât so much as kissed yet. She may well decide sheâs not into you in the short term, never mind the long term. Trying to have the defining the relationship talk at this stage is so hilariously premature that itâs going to come off as seriously weird. The best time to make sure youâre both on the same page is before you have sex, otherwise you risk coming off as having sent the wrong signals to get what you want.
Let her know that you like her, but youâre not up for anything committed (youâre moving, after all) and you want to make sure that she is ok with that. If she asks what you mean then explain that you donât want and canât offer anything more than a casual sexual relationship. I wouldnât use the phrase âfriends with benefitsâ unless absolutely necessary because, frankly, itâs awkward as hell.
Make sure you both understand each other before continuing the relationship; be clear about what you mean when you say âcasualâ and define your terms. I realize it sounds clinical and can feel like youâre negotiating a contract a la 50 Shades of Grey, but thereâs a point to all of this. If you want to avoid hurt feelings or any miscommunication, then you want to make sure you both understand what youâre expecting from one another.
Once you establish the ground rules â as it were â of your relationship, make sure you stick to them. Just as some people will pretend to offer commitment to get a casual relationship, some people â men and women â will agree to a casual relationship with the intention of trying to push their partner into something more committed. Itâs not fun when this happens and it sure as hell isnât fair. Be willing to enforce your boundaries.
And for future reference: OKCupid isnât a bad place to find casual NSA sexual relationships â Iâve had plenty of success that way â but you might have better luck and less potential confusion on Tinder.
Good luck.
Have you escaped from a toxic relationship? Did you get over an inconvenient crush? Share your thoughts and experiences in the comments and weâll be back in two weeks with more of your dating questions.
Ask Dr. Nerdlove is Kotakuâs bi-weekly dating column, hosted by the one and only Harris OâMalley, AKA Dr. Nerdlove. Got a question youâd like answered? Write [email protected] and put âKotakuâ in the subject line.
Harris OâMalley is a writer and dating coach who provides geek dating advice at his blog Paging Dr. NerdLove and the Dr. NerdLove podcast His new book Simplified Dating is available exclusively through Amazon He is also a regular guest at One Of Us He can be found dispensing snark and advice onFacebook and on Twitter at @DrNerdLove
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